Faking Perfect
by perfectlybroken66
Summary: Nothing is perfect with Clare, she can't let anyone in, the thought of it is embarrassing to her, until Eli a new student at Degrassi manages to notice that she's broken and her perfect exterior is just a facade.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfiction. I don't know if I'm going to continue this story, let me know if I should. I don't own Degrassi. If I continue this story, future chapters will be longer. Hope everyone's having a nice day.**

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**Clare's POV**

I watch the blood dance out of my left forearm as I wonder how my life came to this. It used to be perfect. I used to be a dreamer. I was the type of girl who looked at life as a blessing, not a curse. I used to look at everything in a happy light, I used to look at the world like it was perfect. I was the type of girl who could just sit there by myself and daydream for hours. I used to think daydreams could come true. I was an optimist. But now, I have no idea who I belong to or what I'm meant to be. Now, I look back at how I was a year ago and laugh and how ridiculous I was. Life isn't perfect and neither am I. Anyone who thinks that is an idiot. I sigh and press the blade into my arm again, a little harder this time and I instantly feel release. I let out all my anger, frustrations and mostly pain as I watched my arm getting more and more bloody.

I sigh again, coming out of my trance. There's blood everywhere and my mother, Helen will be suspicious if she sees blood in my washroom. I quickly clean up and press a damp washcloth on my arm in attempt to soak up all the blood. As I leave my bathroom I take a look at myself in the mirror and shudder. I see a girl who is huge, ugly and mostly lost. I stare down at my purity ring and twist it around a few times. I don't deserve to wear it. I'm a fake.

On my way to my bedroom I hear a door slam. _Great, _my parents are fighting again. I start on my algebra homework, since I have nothing better to do, plus I have to keep up my image of "Saint Clare" and St. Clare gets good marks. I know that St. Clare is gone, fortunately no one else knows. Just as I'm starting the first question I hear my mom yell my name "Clare!"

"yes mom?" I say in a somewhat annoyed tone, thank god she didn't notice or she'd ground me.

"I'm going to a church fundraiser, will you be alright for dinner?" Why does she even ask? It's not like she gives a shit about my opinion, even if I asked her to stay home with me, I know she wouldn't. Of course I couldn't share these thoughts so I yell out a meek "have fun" as I hear the door slam. It's not like I would actually be eating dinner anyway, I can't afford the extra calories.

After I finish all my homework I begin to think. How come it's Monday night and I have nothing to do? I never do anything. Alli and I are in a fight and Jenna and I don't talk after she stole KC, my ex-boyfriend. Unexpectedly Alli took Jenna's side and said that Jenna was prettier than me and deserved KC more than I did. After she told me that, I realized she was a bad friend. All she cares about is Drew and any other boy's she can get her hands on. I sigh remembering what she did with Johnny and how much it broke her.

I decide to go for a run since I have nothing better to do and I could lose all the extra weight I'm carrying. I pull on my running shoes and head out the door.

Breathe, I keep telling myself as I pant. The back of my calves are sore from all the exertion, I'm overworking today and I know it, I've been jogging for an hour, on an empty stomach, I ate nothing today. I should probably head home now. I turn around and start jogging towards my house. Suddenly, a hearse flies by me and I freak out. Who died? This hearse looks exactly like the one that took Darcy to her grave yard after she committed suicide. I hold back tears as I think of Darcy, she didn't even love me enough to stay on Earth with me, I could really use her now, but I know I have to be strong in case anyone see's me and no one can see St. Clare cry.

**Should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**My first chapter was a little bit rusty and I noticed a ton of mistakes later, so I'm sorry about that, I don't know if I'm going to continue this story after this chapter. I don't own Degrassi and I hope everyone is having a nice day **** This story is going to sort of like the storyline of how Eli and Clare met with a few things different. If anyone has any suggestions let me know.**

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**Eli's POV**

I drum my fingers on my steering wheel, taking in the new city that I just moved to. It's called Toronto, of course I've heard of it before, considering it's the capital of Ontario but I've never been here before. It looks like Vancouver, British Columbia, my former home. I sigh, everything is so dull here, so boring, I squeeze my eyes shut really tight, to prevent the tears from flowing, I miss Julia. I left her in Vancouver, BC with everything else I loved. Deep breath Eli, I remind myself.

Julia was the love of my life. I left her in BC, I would've taken her with me to Toronto except she's dead. This time a tear dripped from my eye, knowing I was responsible for her death. I should've just stayed out of her life like all of her friends told me to. I'm going to miss going to her grave everyday. When I was in Vancouver, I would go to Julia's tombstone everyday and sit there for hours on end, with a new bouquet of flowers everyday. I guess all that time in graveyards inspired me to drive the hearse I'm currently sitting in now. I wanted to drive around downtown Toronto to get a sense of what my new city is like.

I start to grow impatient. I was sitting at a red light and it just wouldn't change. Why was this red light taking so long? I growl annoyed. The minute the light turned green I hit the gas pedal so hard I flew down the road, I catch a few people giving me a dirty looks but I could care less. I keep driving fast. I see a girl jogging ahead of my car, as I pass her I catch a glance at her in the rear view mirror. She is beautiful, just as beautiful as Julia was but in a completely different way. Julia was experienced, not innocent, not a saint, this girl looks like everything Julia wasn't. She looked terrified of my hearse, I smirk a little bit at the fact that this girl has probably never seen a hearse in her life.

By now she's way past me I can't see her anymore, I only saw her for a few seconds since I drove by her so fast. I shake my head at myself, feeling guilty that I thought of another girl other than Julia. I slow down the speed of my car, knowing that I was probably terrifying everyone driving on the road. I roll down my window as I approach my new house. I slam open the front door and walk into the bedroom that was destined to be mine for the next two years. It was white, it was empty, it was lifeless. I hate it. Tomorrow I'll buy some black paint and paint the walls black.

"Eli, I need to talk to you", I sigh knowing it's probably about the school that I have to attend. I grumble profanities to myself as I walk down the stairs to greet my mother Cece.

"you rang?" I say with a smirk, she knew I was kidding but it didn't help her from smacking the back of the head lightly, I laugh but my face grows solemn as I see the expression on her face. It was serious. Cece is never serious.

"what's wrong?" I said gently, she looks at me with sympathy.

"Eli I know you're still grieving over the death of Julia but Bullfrog and I both agree that it's time for you to go back to school. We enrolled you into Degrassi community school and you will start tomorrow" she looks a little worried and I instantly feel bad that I ever made her feel like I was going to snap at her for enrolling me into school.

"Cece, it's okay, I'm ready to go back" that was blatant lie, I'm sure she could see through it but I didn't want my mother to feel bad for me, sympathy was something I didn't deserve after all, I caused Julia's death. I should've never let her go biking in the dark, _my fault_ a voice whispered in my head. Cece nods at me, it's her way of telling me I'm dismissed, I walk back up the stairs, taking my time. I miss Julia, I miss the way that the sun glinted off her eyes in the sun, I miss the way her face looked when she was concentrating really hard, I miss the way that she would tell me she needed me. Bad thoughts Eli, I remind myself, I couldn't afford to think like this, it was dangerous and bad in every way. I could lose myself again if I kept thinking like this.

Tomorrow I had school, I start to get some books ready in order for me to go tomorrow, not that I would really try in school, except for maybe in English class the only subject I was actually good at. School was not something I was excited about. School is the same no matter what city you're in, girls with self esteem problems and guy's who were secretly scared of rejection but hid it with over cockiness.

I open up my laptop to respond to some of the messages my old friend's from Vancouver had sent me. Mostly it just people saying they missed me and that they hoped I could visit soon. I write back all of them with promises that I was fine and that I'm excited to be in Toronto, a huge lie.

Alone was bad for me, when you're alone you're never really alone, you're alone with your thoughts and that's much worse then being with people. Alone kills me so before I go into some freakish panic, I go to sleep.

**Clare's POV**

The Hearse I saw was still in my mind, it was Sunday night, school is tomorrow. Today is the last day of March break. Why is someone driving a hearse so fast? I shake my head trying to escape the thoughts of death, sometimes I wish I could die, NO CLARE I told myself, I want to live, I have to be strong, for my parents because if I die nothing will keep them together anymore. Tomorrow is back to school, great I thought sarcastically. That means more comments about Saint Clare and seeing Jenna and Alli everyday.

School is not exactly my favorite place to be, Adam Torres is my only friend and everyone think's he's a freak since he's a FTM which is a female to male transgender. So people call us Saint Clare and the "heshe". People think I'm some sort of Jesus loving freak, I let them believe it. To be honest though I don't think I even believe in God anymore because if God existed then Darcy is in hell, since suicide is a sin. God, why can't I ever think normally. I'm still tired from my run but I don't want to sleep because the faster I sleep the faster I wake up and the faster school comes.

I log online and read vampire fanfiction, It's a good escape for me. I almost laugh remembering what I did to Declan Coyne all those years ago. God I'm an idiot I thought to myself. My phone buzzes, it's Alli, I pick up.

The minute I pick up I hear sniffling, I sigh Alli is always crying, since she used to be my friend I guess I still get worried sometimes,

"what's wrong Alli"I say in a worried tone, sometimes Alli's tears are pointless but sometimes something is actually wrong.

"I saw Jenna kissing Drew" was her response, she couldn't say anything more because she was gasping for air so she couldn't speak. I could tell she was in shock and surprised by what she saw but I wasn't not in the least. I expected this. Jenna even told us she was a boyfriend stealer. She took KC and I knew it was a matter of time before she took Drew. I could hang up on her but I knew that, that would make me a bad friend.

"Alli, it's okay calm down, you're way prettier then Jenna and Drew is a cheating idiot, he already cheated on you with Bianca and you gave him a second chance, he doesn't deserve a third, trust me Alli" I pleaded. I hope she doesn't give Drew another chance he'll just hurt her again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

"You're right Clare, I'm so stupid, and I'm sorry for how I treated you about KC, I should've never taken Jenna's side but I got so swept up by how popular she was" she hiccupped and kept crying, I felt bad for Alli, I know I should still be mad at her but hearing her cry to me on the phone was enough to remind me that she needed me, this was why I was alive to keep people from Alli from hurting.

"Jenna's an idiot Alli, an absolute idiot, she's stupid, ignorant and rude" I wanted to swear more about Jenna but Alli still think's of me as Saint Clare so I can't. My rambling thought's stopped for a minute because I heard Alli stop crying, what's going on?

"Clare, how dare you talk about Jenna like that, that is so rude of you, Jenna's my best friend and has never said anything bad about you Clare. By the way Jenna is sitting right next to me, she told me to call you, she didn't kiss Drew and we just wanted to see what you'd say about her" the call dropped. I can't believe she did that to me.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, especially after what I said about Jenna. I go back to reading my vampire fiction. Before I drift off to sleep wondering what's going to happen tomorrow.

When I wake up, I curse at myself for what I said about Jenna, everyone is going to be especially mean to me and I'm going to have to smile at them and pretend not to care. I'll have to pretend that everything in my life was perfect. I stumble into the bathroom blinded by the light. I spot the razor, knowing that me and that razor are going to spend hours together tonight. I change from my pajamas into a blue long sleeve top that has a belt on the waist and pants. I scrub on a little bit of eyeliner and mascara, waterproof of course and a little bit of cover up to cover up my black eye. It still hasn't went away. I cringe looking at it, my dad hates me so much, he feels the need to punch me, I look away when I finish applying the cover up, grab my bag and start walking to school. It's misting out, I see Degrassi, as I'm walking into the parking lot a hearse almost hit's me in the side, I fall just from being scared, the driver obviously think's he hurts me and runs out.

"are you okay?, I'm so sorry" he says. I glance up at him, he has the most beautiful green eye's I've ever seen.

"I'm fine, don't worry about it" I smile in a way that I hope is convincing, he needs to know everything is fine and that I'm perfect and that I have no problems.

He glances at me not convinced but lets it go, he keeps staring into my eyes and for a second I think he's going to kiss me but then he just gives me a hand up since I was still on the pavement looking at his eyes like an idiot.

"You have pretty eyes" he tells me, did I really just hear that? Or am I hallucinating, Smile and thank him you idiot I tell myself.

"thanks, see you around?" I'm sure I'm blushing, hell I can feel my face heat up, he probably notices, I'm an idiot, see you around? What kind of loser says that, oh well he'll find out soon that I'm Saint Clare soon anyway and he obviously dates the bad girl types, why am I even talking about who he's dating? Ughh, this is frustrating.

"yea, for sure blue eyes" he smirks at me and turns away to go back into his hearse. Wait hearse? Is this the hearse I saw yesterday. Oh my god. I was distracted by how hot he was that I didn't even notice he was the hearse driver. Is he crazy? Has he ever been in high school, surely he knows most teenagers don't drive hearses. He's hot though so I guess girls will be after him anyway. Jenna will probably dump KC for him, this hearse driver certainly has a thing about him that leaves me breathless.

The bell rings and I scramble off to my first period. Grade 11 advanced English. I'm in grade 10 but I'm good in English so I was placed into this class. This class is my favorite; none of my tormentors are in it. No one here is in my grade, so people just ignores me. On top of that Ms. Dawes is my favorite teacher. I pull out my chair and sit down thinking about my day so far. I met some mysterious hearse driver and I only got called ugly twice today, once by Owen Milligan and once by Fitz. I try not to let that get to me but overall, so far so good I think to myself. Shit I hope I don't jinx that.

Ms. Dawes clears her throat interrupting my thinking, I glance up at her as she hands out papers. She put's my paper on my desk face down, I excitedly flip it over but my smile turns into a frown when I see the grade on it. It's a C. I got a c? I'm Clare Edward's I do not get marks like C's. I put up my hand but right when she's about to ask me what's wrong the English door slams open then shut as I see the hearse driver run in. He walks up to Ms. Dawes desk and I eavesdrop.

"Sorry I couldn't find the English room" he says.

Ms. Dawes sighs "that's okay, hope you enjoy your stay at Degrassi, take the empty seat in front of the girl with the auburn colored hair." I looked down feeling his gaze on me.

"I'm Eli by the way" he tells her as he makes his way over to me and sit's down.

"Clare you were saying?" she addresses my question from before.

"Ms. Dawes, how did I get a C, what did I do wrong?" I say worry in my voice, school is the only thing I excel at and I can't fail on this now, if I do that means I've failed every single thing I've ever tried to do in my life.

"Clare your early assignments were good but lately your writing has become distant and impersonal" she tells me. I sigh, of course it has in the course of a month my life has been turned upside down. I feel Eli's gaze on me so I answer her.

"Sorry, I'll make it better next time" I reply. Of course, I can't though, I can't be personal, she'd probably send me to a therapist if she really knew me. In the course of a month my life literally got switched around. My parents fighting escalated, my dad starting hitting me, Darcy committed suicide, Dave raped me, Alli and Jenna stopped being my friend and I started caring about what I looked like. I don't even eat anymore, without throwing it up. I over exercise myself, I sigh knowing that I'm probably going to tank my favorite subject.

Ms. Dawes snaps me out of my think "Clare, Eli is new to Degrassi and maybe at lunch he could help you with his work, I saw his writing's from his old school and they're a little wordy, you two will balance each other out nicely, would you help him at lunch?"

"Of course Ms. Dawes" I reply. How am I going to get through lunch with him? I can't even talk to him without stuttering. Oh calm down Clare, it's not like anyone that attractive would be interested in you I think to myself. I see a few girls in grade 11 give me the stink eye, great now I'm making enemies in another grade too. I almost sigh out loud in frustration but remember that the perfect image of St. Clare would never be annoyed by helping someone out so I paste a fake smile on my face while listening to Ms. Dawes. My legs won't stop shaking I'm so nervous for lunch.

**Eli's POV**

Clare, so her name is Clare, I wonder what her last name is probably something poetic. She's so opposite to Julia, her face is so innocent, baby like but cute at the same time. She catches me looking at her and look's down and blushes and I smirk to myself. I look down at her hands and see her twisting a purity ring, yup I was so right about her, a Christian girl, what else should I expect? She look's like one. A girl who's faithful to God and has never made a mistake in her life. So opposite to me.

Her brilliant blue eyes are still stuck in my mind, they were magnetizing. There was something off about them though, like she was hiding something. I almost laughed out loud, someone like her has nothing to hide but something from one of my therapy sessions kept repeating in my mind.

My therapist told me "when someone smiles more then usual it's because they're hiding pain" but then again Clare is probably just so happy that she's some faithful Christian girl. I sighed knowing that I wouldn't want it on my conscious to be the one to corrupt her.

I hear Ms. Dawes say "Eli, Clare can you come to my desk please?" when I look around I notice class ended and I was just sitting their zoned out, I almost blush out of embarrassment but instead I just walk up to Ms. Dawes desk with Clare. She tells us that we're going to be reviewing Clare's work in the English room and that she'll be back in an hour and half when lunch ends.

Clare clears her throat "So are you going to look over my work now?" she says with a hint of a smile.

I decide to be annoying "nope, let's just sit here and stare awkwardly at each other". She glares me down, I have to admit it's kind of cute.

"Here" she thrusts the paper at me and I sigh knowing that I'll have to edit it eventually.

When I finish reading it, I'm so bored. This paper was awful, how did she even get into grade 11 English? I don't want to be mean though so I just say

"this paper has no point of view, you never put your input, what do you personally think of gun control? You're writing like you're writing a newspaper article, boring and precise, just stating facts but what do you think, that's what I'm interested in. "

She sigh's and fiddles with her pen before replying "if I give my point of view then the paper become personal". I want to scream at her, writing is personal.

"or are you just too scared to admit that you're a secret crazy person and that you think gun control is a terrible thing and you wish everyone just spent their days shooting each other" I say with a laugh looking into her eyes till she looks away.

"woahh, uhmm well, I don't know" she stammers at me. Oh my god I'm actually having an effect on her. God she's so pretty and so innocent.

**Clares POV**

Great now I'm stammering like an idiot, he must think I'm so pathetic. For some reason I can trust him. After Dave raped me, I haven't been able to be in a room with a guy without having the fleeing instinct. I think Dave raping me was the tipping point to my life, when I started going crazy. No matter how many times I shower I never feel clean, I always feel him in me. It's disgusting. I've taken so many showers but I've never felt clean or holy again. The worst part is, I trusted Dave, I should've never invited him over. That was the biggest mistake. I thought I could trust Dave. I didn't tell anyone though, I couldn't that would destroy my image so I keep it in but seeing Dave everyday is going to hurt me a lot. I haven't seen him yet today but I know I can't run forever. I have every other class except this one with him.

Eli brought my out of my thoughts "stammering at me again?" he smirked, I flushed he must think I'm such a loser. I decide to keep the conversation about my paper.

"So how do I fix the paper Eli?" I say with sarcasm since he hasn't actually given me any advice yet.

"pick a new subject, if you could change one thing about your life what would it be?" he asks me. I can't answer him honestly but now I don't know what to say. Shit, think Clare think, Clare just say something, anything I tell myself.

"less homework?" wow I'm making myself sound like a prude, oh well.

"I don't believe that, out of all the thing's you could change you pick something about homework, that's obviously bullshit" he looks at me strangely.

What was he staring at? I don't know how to answer him.

"well everything's great in my life so I honestly don't know what I would change other then homework" I say and flash him a bright smile. He doesn't buy it. It's obvious the look on his face tells it all but I'm at loss of words so I just sit there and look at my nails on the desk.

Eli finally breaks the long awkward silence "I think I saw you jogging yesterday"

"yeah, I think I saw your weird hearse drive by, why do you drive a hearse anyway?"

"Excuse me? Are you saying my hearse is weird? Hearses are quite amazing methods of transportation" he says trying to sound like a teacher, as funny as it is I can't find myself to laugh. Hearses mean death and I can't take something like that so lightly but now that I think of it obviously something inspired him to buy that hearse.

"excuse me I have to go to the bathroom" I run out, and start panting, how can he take something so lightly? It's ridiculous. I see Dave at the end of the hallway as see's me he gives me a flirty smile and smacks my butt lightly. That's it, I've had it I start crying, I didn't even bother moving to the bathroom I just bawl in the hallway. I hear someone awkwardly clearing there throat in front of me and see Eli.

"um are you okay?", he asks me awkwardly.

"yeah, I just fell on the way out of the room but I'm fine" I smile and walk back into the room slowly.

"I thought you had to go to the bathroom"

"I did but I guess the fall made me not have to go anymore"

He start's laughing at me.

"Glad I amuse you" I say

"you're weird" he says with a smirk. I push him lightly on the shoulder and he pushes me back.

**Eli's POV**

I saw Clare crying? It was weird. I didn't think people like her cried. I guess it was just over a bruised knee or something.

"Want me to kiss your booboo better?" I ask her sarcastically.

"what?" she asks me with a blank stare. Did she forget she fell already? Maybe she's not as smart as she seems.

" I thought you hurt yourself on the way out of the classroom" I say very slowly.

"Eli, don't talk to me like I'm 5 years old"

"You're acting like you are, already forgetting things Clare, or is that dementia?" I say a bit confused myself but mostly jokingly.

She just stares at me a bit blankly and I look into her eyes and slowly start leaning in. Her lips look so kissable, she starts to lean in too.

**This was pretty bad I know but I'm not that strong in writing yet, I'm working on it. I don't know if I'm going to bother continuing because I don't really know how to keep going. If you guy's could write in reviews how to continue or pm me that'd be great **** I don't own Degrassi. I guess I'll do chapter 3 when I feel motivated to do it. Hope everyone is having a nice day. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Degrassi. I am not the best writer but I'm trying. I understand my tenses are kind of off, sorry I was rushing when I wrote this.**

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God, his eyes are green, so green they're magnetizing. I feel him start to lean in towards me, I blush but start to lean in too.

Wait, what am I doing? Am I an idiot? If I kiss Eli people won't think of me as St. Clare anymore, I won't be the innocent, boring, not gossip worthy type of girl anymore. I can't kiss Eli, I can't. So why do I keep leaning in? No Clare, I tell myself and I lean away. How could I even think of kissing him? He's way too good for me, out of my league by far, he look's experienced and he could have any girl he wanted, so why did he want to kiss me? Probably a joke so he could go tell people that he managed to kiss St. Clare.

Eli look's disappointed for a second but get's over it fast and look's down at my work again. I blush. I wonder how many girl's he's ever dated, probably none, probably just hooks up with random girl's. No girl would refuse him, they have no reason to, he's hot and that's probably all that matter's to them.

"you hungry?" Eli asks me as he pulls out a sandwich and offers me half of it. I swallow hard, I can't afford those calories, those extra calories are what pushed KC right into Jenna's arms. Would he suspect that I had a problem if I refused the sandwich? I have to make a decision fast.

"sure" I take a bite of the sandwich, god food makes me feel sick, I'm definitely going to have to throw this up later. I smile at him and pretend that the sandwich tastes amazing.

"like my cooking skills blue eyes?" He stare's at me like it's some sort of life or death question but I sense the sarcasm underneath it.

"nope, it's terrible" I say with a smile he just smirk's at me and look's down at my paper again. I sneak a peek at it there's red over every sentence. I finish the sandwich and excuse myself to the bathroom.

The minute I get into the bathroom I'm shoving my fingers down my throat. I feel the acid come up through my mouth and I vomit into the toilet. Much better. Now I feel good. Skinner, closer to perfection. I leave the stall and look at myself in the reflection. I look hideous, my eyes are bloodshot and I look like I just got over the flu. I touch up some of my makeup and head out, feeling better about myself.

When I enter the room I already see Ms. Dawes there and she tells me I'm free to go and lunch ended. I wave a quick bye to Eli and head off to math, Dave, Alli and Jenna are all in this class. I cringe to myself knowing this was going to be a long period.

Dave is hooking up with Imogen in the back corner of the class. Alli and Jenna are both gossiping about something, I'm guessing it's me by the way they keep looking at me. This is hell. I take the closest seat to the teacher close my eyes and zone out.

I don't need to pay attention to math, math is just one of those subjects that come so easy to me, of course English comes easier, well used to come easier until my life turned upside down. I hope my dad had a good day at work today because if he didn't I would hear and feel all about it. I shouldn't be terrified to walk around in my house but I am, I'm scared to walk through that door everyday. I hole myself up in my room with my door locked every time I'm home, which is quite often considering I have no friend's anymore. The only person who will talk to me is Adam but he's dealing with own crap right now and I can't tell him what's really going on in my life. He would freak.

I still don't know why Alli hates me, I didn't do anything wrong to her. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. I don't have Darcy anymore. I guess I can blame myself for that. It's all my fault, if I had been a better sister, maybe she'd still be here. I didn't even know she was raped until I heard Peter say it at her funeral. I thought everything was fine until she died. If I had walked into that bathroom 5 minutes earlier, she would probably still be here. I think back to how my life turned into this.

_Darcy was taking forever in the bathroom, what was she doing in there? I hope she hurries up soon, I still have to take a shower, get done all my homework and get to bed and Darcy just won't hurry up. I bang on the door. If she doesn't open up in two minutes I'm going to bust open this door and just take my shower regardless of what she's doing. KC probably texted me, I should get back to him soon before he get's mad. Why is Darcy still in there? I take a knife and use it to hack the lock. I slam open the door preparing to let Darcy have it but at first all I can see is blood. There's blood everywhere. It's in my feet. I see a razor and then I see my sister. Laying on the floor near the toilet. Her wrists are slit and I'm smart enough to know it was a suicide attempt. She attempted suicide. Why? Was it because I was annoying her by telling her to hurry up in there? Was it because I always fought her for computer time? The last thing we said to each other was that we hated each other, since she got to take her "shower" first. Was this because of me? I did this to my own sister. I ran to my cellphone and called 911. _

_ "I'm sorry, Mrs, Miss and Mr. Edwards, Darcy's suicide attempt unfortunately succeeded" I heard the doctor's word's but I couldn't believe them. This could've been, no this is my fault. If I had been there, if I hadn't of been such a rude person to her all these years, she would still be here. How could my sister do this? _

_ The funeral was a day later, not many people showed up because my parent's didn't want people to know Darcy had commited suicide, everyone knows that if you kill yourself you don't get into heaven, you go to hell. The only people there were my mom, my dad and me. I told all my friend's that Darcy went to Kenya to build houses. My parent's through a ton of money at the press to keep this story from being in the Toronto Sun. _

_ I need KC right now, he's the only one who can make this better, I have to go over now. When I rang the doorbell, there was no answer so I just went up to his room but I saw him having sex with Jenna when I walked in. I gasped and they both turned there heads to me. I didn't even wait for either of them to explain I just ran out crying. I kept running, I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. I went into the wood's and saw Fitz, Dave and Bianca smoking weed. _

_ They saw me and laughed at what St. Clare was doing in the wood's. I heard Dave say that it would be fun to corrupt my innocence. _

_ I was raped by Dave and Bianca and Fitz watched the whole thing, heard me scream but they didn't stop him, they found it hilarious. I was going to hell too, not only was Darcy but so was I. God want's sex before marriage, I fucked that up. I heard myself cuss in my head but I didn't care anymore. God doesn't want me anymore anyways. Who cares what I do? _

_ I stumbled out of the forest. I could probably go home crying and just say it was because I missed Darcy. I was expecting questions to be fired at me when I came home but none did, my parent's were too busy screaming at each other and blaming each other for the death of Darcy. Why were they blaming each other, when it was clearly my fault? This didn't make sense to me. I just ignored them and went to my room. Staring at my reflection in the full sized mirror at my door. I was fat. Jenna wasn't. Jenna was on the power squad and I just spent my time reading the stupid bible and doing homework. No wonder KC would rather do it with her. I can't be this ball of fat anymore. I need to take it off. It's disgusting and I can't carry it around with me anymore. _

_ I took a shower hoping to get Dave's touch off my skin but I couldn't, I could still feel everywhere he touched me, like it was burning holes in my skin. I took bleach and I showered in it. I still feel disgusting. _

_ Alli called and I vented to her what happened but her response was "Jenna's prettier then you, you're lucky you had KC for so long anyway, I'm sick of hearing you complain about her" and she ended the call. That was it, all my friend's gone. Just like that. In the course of two days. _

_I see the razor that Darcy used to kill herself. I rub it over my wrists softly, not enough to kill myself but just to see what she felt when she did it. IT was sister thing, even if one was gone. It was like being bonded by blood, even more then we already are. _

_It felt nice, like all my anger was released into this one blade. It was almost beautiful, it was the happiest thing I felt all day. I kept going until there were little lines covering my forearms. _

_ I'm starving, I want dinner. I can't have dinner, I would gain weight, KC would think I'm more disgusting then he already think's I am. Plus, if I go downstairs my parent's screaming at each other will be so much louder. _

_ However, I do have to get my pencil case that I left downstairs. What I saw when I got down there was terrifying, I've never seen this look in my dad's eyes before. It was out of control wild. His eyes weren't sparkling, they were flat and blue, like he was an alien. Like he was someone I didn't even know. It didn't look like him, this wasn't angry, this was some sort of out of body experience, he didn't know what he was doing. My mother looked scared, he as screaming right into her face and pushing her down with his hands. I gasped, oops, too loud. He came over and pushed me to the ground and kicked me. I didn't hear much of what he said but I heard bitch and useless many times. I guess that's what I am, just some sort of useless bitch. _

_ I don't know what hurt more, the fact that my dad hates me so much to hit me, or the physical pain itself. When he was done, he wasn't even close to finish his rampage, it only ended because he started to hurt my mother instead. I want so desperately to call the cops but that would just create a scandal, and I can't go into something like foster care. So I shut up, grab my pencil case and walk up the stairs mechanically. _

The bell ringing brings me out of trance, I walk out of the class having no idea what the homework was, not that I care that much anyway. Life is so pointless. Who cares anymore anyways?


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Degrassi. Sorry, for poor grammar mistakes. Any suggestions please let me know **** Hope everyone is having a good day. **

**Some reviewed and told me that I should keep the story more real, as Clare's life got turned around so fast. I completely agree, I just didn't know how else to gradually start making things worse so I just did it all at once. **

**I did re upload this chapter twice because after the first time, I realized so many mistakes with the story. Of course there are still tons of mistakes there but it's still better than the last one!  
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**Chapter 4 **

**Eli's POV **

I'm feeling a little bad now; I practically ruined Clare's paper. I put red over every sentence. Of course, every sentence was terrible but I shouldn't have been so harsh. She's probably not very used to criticism. I see _how_ she got into advanced Grade 11 English, she has potential but her writing isn't personal. She sound's like a newspaper article, delivering facts but with no point of view. She sounds like a robot, hell a robot could've written her piece.

I'm sitting alone at a lunch table, eating an apple. I guess starting a new school, half through second semester with a hearse isn't the best way to make friends. The only person I've talked to today, other then Clare is some girl named Bianca DeSousa. She asked me to go into some boiler room with her, she looks like a slut and I don't really feel like adding man whore to the list of insults people are probably already thinking of me.

"Tortured yet sexy, I like it" Some blonde chick says smiling at me. I meet her eyes, she's pretty, in a _let's go have sex and forget about each other_ kind of way. Slutty, just like that other girl Bianca. She's wearing a power squad uniform, so she's a cheerleader, definitely not my type. How did she even get here? One second I was alone by myself eating lunch and the next, this girl is badgering me.

"And you might be?" I say with a bit of an annoyed tone. Can't I just eat in peace? She giggles, "Jenna Middleton, welcome to Degrassi" she has a huge smile plastered on her face, as if this school is the best thing that ever happened to her.

"I'm Eli Goldsworthy, are you part of some welcoming committee or something?" I take another bite of my apple, just so I can avoid looking at her preppy face, I'm bored and this girl is annoying me.

"Nope, I just want to welcome you, just so you know emo types are a total turn on for me", she giggles again, she's not even being funny. I want to shudder, that's one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard in my life. I think she has a boyfriend too, some kid named KC Guthrie, a total jock she's obviously lying with this, "I'm her type" crap.

"True", I say awkwardly hoping the conversation will just drop, she's batting her eyelashes at me like she has something in her eye. I look over her shoulder and see Clare glaring murderously at Jenna. Guess Clare doesn't like sluts either, that or she has just has a probably with Jenna. The first one I wouldn't be surprised about, but I'd be shocked if she had a problem with Jenna, they don't seem like they've ever talked to each other before.

"Want to go to the dot with me after school?" Her smile is so big! I think her cheeks are about to explode. "Nope, busy sorry", I know I'm being dry but come on, I'm not this desperate for company. I don't want to talk anyone, I just want to go home and think about Julia some more. "Fine, but if you change your mind, here's my number." She slips a piece of paper into my pants pocket, which I'm guessing has her number written on it. I look at it, yep I was right. Her number, I crumple It up .

I let my thoughts wander again, but not to Julia. I can't cry at school. I start thinking of Clare, she's so innocent and sweet, so perfect. So unlike me and unlike Julia. I think of her paper on gun control. It was so flat and boring, it wasn't interesting. The only good thing about it was crap like, good sentence structure. There's only 5 minutes of lunch left, thank god I can't sit here by myself for much longer, I could've eaten in Morty but that thought never even occurred to me when I chose to sit down.

"Hi" a girly voice says to me, I cross my fingers under the table hoping it's Clare, she's the only one I feel like talking to right now. Yep, it's her.

"What's up Edwards?" Keep calm, I keep chanting in my head just so I don't freak out, just because I hurt Julia doesn't mean I'll hurt Clare the same way.

"I have no one to sit with" she bites her bottom lip and looks down. She was asking to sit with me? WHY!? What struck me more as odd was, she was asking to eat lunch with her 5 minutes before the bell would ring for next period.

"Sit down" I command her. Was I trying to sound like a dick? Why was I so commanding? Well at least she sat down. I don't know if she was planning to talk or not because she just sat there without saying a word. Oh my god, I know why she's here, she wants to convert me into some sort of Christian. I've heard that this is what Christian's do, they sit you down and tell you how amazing God is. I have no interest in learning about Jesus or God, I should tell her that before she starts lecturing me. She's twisting her purity ring absent-mindedly. Yup definitely about God.

"Eli" she said, just as I said "Clare". We both paused awkwardly, "you first" she said.

"Clare, I don't believe in God and I honestly have no interest in learning about him, sorry". She looked so sad, was I too harsh?

"This isn't about God, Eli. Of course, God is my savior and he's wonderful and if you want to believe in him, that's great. I just came here to sit, so I don't look like a loner at the table by myself". Her voice cracked when she said that God is her savior. Guess people get emotional about that type of shit.

"You have pretty eyes" There I go with the random comments again. Why did I say that? She just laughs and lightly nods her head, as if she doesn't believe it. I hope she knows how beautiful she is.

**Clare's POV**

_What compelled me to sit by Eli at lunch? _I have no idea. I guess it's the fact that I saw Jenna flirting with him and it pissed me off. She already has KC she doesn't need Eli. If anyone has him, it should be me. What am I saying? I don't want Eli. I can't believe he thought I came over here to convert him to Christianity. I don't even believe in that anymore, of course I couldn't tell him that so I went along with some sort of shit about how God was my savior.

"Want to skip the afternoon?" he says, breaking my trance. My dad would kill me if I found out I ditched the afternoon. He would literally tear me apart piece by piece but then again, no one would assume St. Clare would ditch, so I could pull some crap about how I felt sick.

"Where would we go?" I ask him. Hopefully it's not a graveyard or something, what if he wants to dance on dead people? I know nothing about him, what if he's a crazy person.

"You look scared" he says blatantly, "I'm not going to drag you to the forest to kill you Clare. I'm just not up to learn this afternoon". Isn't this his first day? This Eli kid wants to ditch school on the first day? He could get in so much trouble. Mr. Simpson probably doesn't like him already, this would just push him over the top.

"Lets go" I say haughtily trying to avoid more questions about how I was weird. I marched off to his hearse. I swallowed hard, a hearse. _Calm down Clare,_ a voice in my head said, _it's just a hearse, it's not like they carried Darcy to the cemetery in this_. What if they did?

Eli turned on the ignition and backed out of the parking spot almost hitting Ms. Dawes car on the way out, I giggled. "You're a terrible driver" I said in between laughs. "Says the one who can't drive" he replies fast, guess he's witty too.

The car ride is silent, but it's not an awkward silence, it's just silent, it's nice. I like it. I don't remember the last time something was this silent, this peaceful. We pulled into an alleyway, if he killed me I can't say I'd care that much. It'd almost feel like cheating. I'd get to die without having to do it myself. Darcy had to kill herself but I'd just be able to leave this world, without having to inflict the pain on myself. I didn't run, just closed my eyes waiting for death to come. He was going to kill me.

Or not. He turned off the engine and got out of the car, I followed him out. This alleyway was just full of poor people. Eli walked around observing all the graffiti on the walls, he seems like the type of person to enjoy graffiti.

"What I like about graffiti, is you can learn about a person without actually having to see them, you can learn so much by images, they just tell more then words do". Eli said, breaking me out of my thoughts. He's right though.

"Exactly, it's like these little sections of other people's lives get inserted into our own." I point to a picture of angels, it's beautiful. "Now every time someone mentions angels I'll be thinking about this drawing, and the artist doesn't even know they had an impact on me. To them, this is just another one of their pictures, but to me, it's my correspondence to angels". This graffiti was breathtaking, it wasn't just a swear word on a wall. It was a painting, something somebody put their own heart into and now it's burned into my own.

He looks shocked, that I have actual thoughts but he get's over it fast "Good point Edwards" he says, leaning in to give me a high five. I laugh and hit his hand as hard as I can. He laughs at me, he actually laughs not just one of his smirks but he laughs at me. His teeth are perfect too. Straight and wonderful.

_Stop thinking about him, you have no chance with him _a voice says in my head. Of course the voice is right, I saw Eli flirting with Jenna today. He probably goes for the pretty, preppy girl type, while he pretends to be the tortured artist.

Then again, I was here with Eli and Jenna wasn't. Jenna was probably ditching class right now, to go make out with KC somewhere. I wonder what Dave is doing, probably planning his next victim, Bianca and Fitz were probably prepared to laugh at the next victim chose.

If my dad finds out I ditched today, I'm am screwed when I get home. My mom will probably try to defend me. But in the end my mom and I will both end up with bruises from head to toe. Then she'll run out to shoppers drug mart to go buy us more cover up. So that we can cover up the marks of pain that my father imprints on us.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Eli and I talked for hours. We talked about graffiti, what got us both into writing. Who are inspirations were. It was fun, we kept conversations light and he complimented me often. Maybe her really does like me. He's the only one who can make me feel this way. So whole and complete. _What am I talking about? _Someone like Eli could never actually probably just flirted with me because there was no one else there. We ditched the whole afternoon together. I've never felt that light and free in my whole life.

Currently, I'm sitting in Eli's hearse staring blankly out the window. My body goes cold, I'm almost home. We're here. The hearse stops and I just stare out the window. I'm terrified, if my parents find out I ditch my dad will beat me shitless and I have no reason to stop him, it's my fault for being such a bad daughter, such a bad sister, such a bad student, such a bad friend I'm a terrible person. I deserve this. I deserve everything that happens to me but that doesn't mean I want it to happen.

I open the door slowly, "Bye Eli" I say, trying to keep my calm as I walk up the steps to my door. I open my door and clench my eyes shut, waiting for the blow to come. I was right. Here it comes.

Of course it's coming, I can't be happy for 2 hours because the universe decides it's time to throw a bomb into my happiness. I hear the slap, before I feel it. It makes me cringe and fall to the floor. "Where the hell were you this afternoon?" My dad screams in my face. I close my eyes, waiting for this to be over.

**Eli POV**

Clare forgot her jacket in here, not that I'm surprised she was acting weird as soon as we pulled up to her house. As if she didn't want to go in there. What too much God in there? Too much love? This afternoon with Clare was perfect. I wish it never had to end. She's the only thing that actually gives me hope after Julia, she's the only thing that ever makes me feel like I'll get better.

Should I just give the jacket to her at school tomorrow? Or drop it off now? I guess I'll just drop it off now, she'll probably call me soon telling me she forgot it anyway. I run up the steps to her door. I'm about to knock when I hear something odd.

"Where the fuck were you Clare Edwards? You little piece of shit, you're worthless, you're nothing." I hear a sickening snap in there. What is going on? I push open the door. .fuck?

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**That's it for now **


	5. Chapter 5

09/27/2012

**I don't own Degrassi.**

**Message me for any ideas for this story. **

**I sort of ended it on a bit of a cliffhanger.**

** I know it's a very short chapter but I don't know how to go from here. Do I make Clare admit what happens? Does she deny it? Review or PM me on what you think should happen.**

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**Chapter 5**

**Eli POV**

Clare is laying on the ground. Her head is bleeding badly. She's conscious but barely. Her eyes are filled with tears, she's in pain. A man, I'm guessing that is her father, doesn't even realize I walked through the door. He just keeps kicking at Clare's stomach, back and face. This sight is horrid. I wish I never came in here. I don't want to know what's going on. I don't understand what's going on. A women is sitting on the couch watching it, not even bothering to stop it. I'm just standing here, too freaked out to move and holding Clare's jacket.

"You're absolutely worthless" the man screams into Clare's face again. That zapped me back into reality I tore the man off Clare. He punched me in the stomach, "Who are you?" he screamed at me. I didn't respond, I can't respond. I'm too busy trying to get a good punch at him. I hit him in the jaw and he falls over his feet and falls down. I take advantage that he's on the ground and I kick him a few times. I kick him till I'm sure he unconscious. Which isn't that hard considering he's drunk.

He smells like alcohol, this house reeks of alcohol. It smells like vodka and tequila. This house is a mess, there are dishes piled up in the sink, alcohol bottles everywhere, a layer of dirt covers the carpet and lastly there's a women here watching Clare get beat up. This is sickening.

I focus my attention back on Clare. She's still crying but she looks concerned as if she doesn't know what to say to me. Her eyes are pleading, I don't know what she's begging me to do for her but whatever it is I'll do it. Her head is still bleeding, I have to get her out of here.

"Clare, go to your room, pack an overnight bag and then come back downstairs" I say to her. She nods in agreement and rushes up the stairs.

A few minutes later, she comes back down with two backpacks, one is her school bag and another her overnight bag. I open the door for her and lead her out to Morty. Her eyes are still covered in tears and she has a black eye. No wait, make that two. One of them looks like it was just recently bruised and the other one looks about a few days old. What the hell has been going on in that house?

"What are you looking at Eli?"

I don't even bother lying to her "your face, what happened Clare?"

She swallows hard before speaking "Nothing, this is the first time it has ever happened, he's never drank before I guess he just got carried away by the alcohol, he won't do this again". She's lying, I can tell but I don't know how I can point it out to her, I have no solid proof of it. I don't buy it, she knows I don't buy it but her eyes are pleading me to just let it go. I can't let it go. I couldn't stop that drunk driver from hitting Julia but I can stop Clare's drunk father from hitting Clare.

"you're lying" I say. "Eli, please you have to believe me" She hiccups.

"We're going to my house, Clare you can't stay there anymore".

"Eli, you can't tell me where to live, this was a one time thing, I promise my father has never done this to me before, it won't happen again, he just got drunk and he got carried away by the alcohol. You can't make me move out of my own home. Please Eli, don't do this" she lets out a sob. The sound breaks me.

5 minutes ago, just 5 minutes ago I thought everything in her life was perfect. How can her life be this messed up? What if she's right though, what if this was the only time? Maybe I'm the one over reacting. Maybe her life is perfect and this just randomly happened. Her head looks bad, the blood start's dripping into her eye.

I speed down the road, to get to my house. I need to fix her cut. Looking at it is making me nauseous.

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**Review?**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own Degrassi. I did take a little while to upload this chapter but I've been pretty busy with other things, so sorry for leaving it at such a cliffhanger. **

**Review?**

**I'd appreciate constructive criticism. I'm not the best with grammar and I've never really written fanfiction before. **

**Sorry the chapter is a little long. Any suggestions please let me know. I'm honestly lost on what to do from here.**

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**Chapter 6**

**Clare's POV**

_Eli saw. _That keeps chanting through my mind. I'm sitting in Eli's hearse on the way to his house. How am I going to talk myself out of this one? My head kills, it's bleeding badly. I don't really remember what happened, it was all such a blur. One minute, I had this perfect afternoon with Eli, the next my dad was smacking my head.

When I fell to the floor I'm pretty sure my head hit a table and that's what caused the bleeding. I was almost unconscious. From Eli's point of view this must've looked really bad. My dad is going to kill me for walking out on him like this. Eli is probably freaked out by what happened. I'll just have to deny all of it.

He doesn't deserve to be pulled into my fucked up life. He can just be a part of the happy side of my life. I don't deserve Eli. I'm just useless. There's no point to me. The only thing I'm remotely good at is school and now my grades are even starting to slip. I want to open to Eli, I want to cry into his arms and tell him what's but I can't. He'll walk away from me if he knows the truth. It's better to pretend that everything is fine. I'm not worth the trouble. I'm broken beyond repair and Eli doesn't need to be dragged down with me. I wish I was fixable but I'm not.

We pull into his driveway. He opens the door and walks towards his house beckoning with his hand for me to follow him. I walk up to the door slowly.

"Hey baby boy, who do we have here?" I hear a women ask Eli.

"Cece, this is Clare. Clare this is my mother Cece." Eli introduces.

"Oh, Clare honey what happened to your head?" Cece asks me.

I stutter a little bit "I was just walking down my stairs and I fell. I woke up unconscious so Eli came and picked me up to help fix my head" I don't want Cece to know what really happened. She's an adult. She'd call CPS. I've thought about calling them before but it just wouldn't be worth it. I'd be put into foster care and that's probably worse. Plus, I probably deserve getting beat up. I'm ugly and worthless and my dad probably just get's upset because he has to look at my face everyday.

She smiles at me "Eli will take you upstairs and help you get cleaned up".

Eli nods and beckons for me to follow him up the stairs. He takes me to the bathroom he tells me to sit on the floor and he takes a damp cloth and starts dabbing my head lightly. I wince in pain. He stops for a second when he feels me flinch but then continues on.

We don't talk the whole time he cleans my head. It could've been seconds or minutes later but he finally finishes cleaning off my head. There's a fresh bandage where the cut is. I stand to look in the mirror. I look disgusting.

"You forgot your overnight bag in the car. I'll go get it" Eli says before walking out the door. He doesn't even wait for my response. How could I be so stupid? How could I forget my jacket in Eli's car. If I remembered to take it, I'd probably be at home right now. This is awful but I need to pull myself together. I have to pretend to Eli that everything is fine. I go the corner of the bathroom curl up in a ball and just sit there till Eli comes back.

A few minutes later I hear the front door open. I hear Eli talk to Cece. I wonder why he calls his mother Cece. Guess it's none of my business though. I can only hear muffled voices. I can't hear what they're saying to each other. I go to the bathroom door and open it. I stick my ear out the door to hear the conversation.

"….Eli I don't understand why she needs to stay the night. I told she can hangout for a little bit but staying the night is a little extreme. Don't you think Eli?"

"Mom please. Clare doesn't want to go home." I hear Eli say. How can Eli tell his mother that? I do want to go home. I don't want to stay the night at Eli's house. The longer I delay coming home, the deeper shit I'll be in when I get there.

"Eli honey, I just don't think you should have sex with another girl. Your aren't even over Julia yet."

"Cece, I just want her to stay the night. She'll sleep in the guest room. I'm not planning on doing anything with her. She's a Christian. Didn't you see her abstinence ring?"

"Fine but Eli don't pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want to do."

"So she can stay?"

"Yes. Eli, I don't want you to have sex with her but in case you really want to there's condoms in my bathroom. On the second shelf. I'd just rather you be safe. I don't want a grandbaby this early baby boy."

"Cece I don't know how many times I have to tell you this. I am not going to have sex with her. I'm going upstairs now. Goodbye" Eli says firmly.

I hear Eli's footsteps come up the stairs. I close the bathroom door quietly and run back to the corner again to pretend that I've just been sitting there the whole time. I whip out my cellphone and pretend to text. Why did Eli's mother think we were going to have sex? Does Eli bring girls home often and have sex with them? Maybe he does. He did try to kiss me in the English room.

Eli knocks on the bathroom door. "Come in" I whisper. He doesn't hear me.

"Clare" He asks.

"Come in" I say a little louder this time. He opens the door slowly.

"Clare, I have your bag. I'm going to go put it in the guest room okay?"

"Eli, I have to go home. It's nice of you to invite me to stay the night but I have to go home.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Eli screams in my face. I flinch a little bit and hug my legs closer to my chest. "Clare, I'm not going to let you go home. It's dangerous there. Don't you have a friends to stay at? If you don't then you're staying here. Your house isn't safe". How could Eli do this to me? Of course I have to go home. I don't even have friends. Alli hates me. I hate Jenna. KC ignores me. I have no one.

I clear my throat. "What happened was a one time thing. It won't happen again. My dad never drinks. He won't ever do this to me again. You have to let me go home".

Eli doesn't say anything. He just glares at me. His eyes are dark green, almost black. He looks mad.

"I guess I can stay for one night" I look up at Eli. He just nods. He get's up and I follow him.

His bedroom is all black. Literally. There's a black bed, black dressers and all four walls are black. I don't know what I expected but I didn't expect everything in here to be black. He puts my bag down on his bed. He sits on his bed. I sit down too.

"Clare, what happened?"

"My dad found out I ditched school this afternoon, he was already drunk and getting hit was my punishment. Eli it's honestly no big deal. Don't worry about me. He won't do this again because I won't fall out of line and he won't drink again". This was a blatant lie but I hope he can't see through it.

"Since he's still drunk right now Clare. I think you should stay the night. By tomorrow he'll be sober then you can go home again"

I nod. I'm at loss for words. Although I kept telling him I wanted to go home I really didn't. I was hoping he'd yell at me. I was hoping he'd fight and want to me to stay here. I was hoping I would never have to go home again. I was hoping he'd be my hero. I know Eli would let me stay if I told him the truth but I can't do that. I don't deserve to be saved. I can't bring Eli into my problems. I have nobody and I deserve nobody. I'm on my own in this world.

Eli smirks, "So what would you like to do now Miss Edwards?". I honestly have no idea.

"You pick" I whisper. I don't trust my voice. I'm scared that if I speak, my voice will break.

**Eli's POV**

Clare's lying, I can tell. There is no way that what happened was a one time thing. She has two black eyes, which means there was two occasions. I'm not stupid. I will get her to admit the truth. I can't just come right out and ask her though. She'd deny it. I have to be sneaky about.

"How about twenty questions?" I say. This is a safe game. Something to pass the time and maybe I'll get her to finally admit something.

"Okay" She says quietly. Her eyes won't meet mine. Something's wrong. I just don't know what it is yet.

"You ask me first" I tell her.

She nods "Why do you drive a hearse?"

"It matches my personality" I smirk. She shivers a little bit. Does she honestly think, I think my personality matches with death? Oh well. She better deal, I love Morty he's an antique.

"Right" She says.

"Do you have any siblings?" I ask.

"No" she replies. Why does she seem so upset about that? Why does everything she says bring a question out of me?

"Why do you seem sad about that?" I ask. She shakes her head.

"It's my turn to ask the question now" She tells me. "Why do you call your mother Cece?"

I smirk. "Because she doesn't like to feel old and saying mom makes her feel old"

She smiles at me.

"Now it's my turn to ask the question Clare. Why did you seem sad when you said you don't have any siblings?"

"I had a sister named Darcy but I don't anymore. She passed away last month". She looks down and wipes a tear from her eye when she thinks I'm not looking.

She clears her throat "Why did you move?"

"Julia". That's the reason. I can tell she has a million questions about that so I explain before she voices them. I tell her the truth. "Julia was my ex-girlfriend. I say ex because she died. I killed her. One day Julia and I got into a fight, she got angry stormed off on her bike and got hit by a drunk driver. She passed away instantly. It's all my fault Clare. Everyone blames me for it. I was the most hated person at my old school because everyone thought I was the one who pushed Julia in front of that car. I didn't. I would never. Julia was, no Julia is the love of my life. But I killed her" My voice broke a little bit. "Then my dad got a new job in Toronto so we moved here as soon as he got the offer. I was so hated in my old school Clare. I received at least 20 death threats a day. I wasn't safe there. I had to move."

"Eli, that's not your fault."

"If I hadn't of gotten into a fight. If I had just let her win that argument, she wouldn't of stormed off, she wouldn't have died".

"It was an accident. It's no ones fault" She tells me.

I've heard so many people tell me it's not my fault. My parents have told me it isn't, my therapist, my teachers and tons of others have said I'm not to blame but I never believed any of them but when Clare says it I believe her. I don't know why. I trust her more than anyone else. Of course there were tons of people who did blame me for her death, which is probably why I believed it was my fault for so long. Clare doesn't blame though. Maybe it's true, maybe her death was an accident

"For some reason, when you say that. I believe it" I tell her honestly.

She smiles and nods at me. I wonder if she thinks her sister's death is her own fault.

"How did your sister die?"

She swallows hard "She committed suicide"

I don't question her further. She'll tell me about that when she's ready. I don't want to push. Push too much and she'll run away. I don't want that. I don't ever want to lose Clare. Right now, she's the only one that's giving me hope that things will get better. My hands shake a little bit. I sit on them so she doesn't notice.

"I'm sorry. Your turn to ask"

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because you deserve it" I tell her simply. She does deserve it. She has no idea how much she deserves to be treated with respect. I don't think she realizes how special she truly is.

She looks down. She doesn't believe it.

"What do you want to be when you're older"

"A journalist or a writer"

"Do you believe in God?"

"No, do you?"

"Not anymore" Clare whispers.

What is she talking about? She doesn't believe in God? What the fuck? I'm officially lost. "What?" I ask her.

"Um, never mind Eli, I said that by accident. I do believe in God". She says quietly. She's lying. I can tell. I go with it.

"Are you actually going to wait till marriage to have sex?" I say.

"Yea, what about you?" She asks me quietly. She's twisting her purity ring as if she doesn't deserve to be wearing it. Maybe she just feels guilty about sleeping overnight at a guy's house.

"I'm not a virgin" I tell her. She looks uncomfortable when I say that. Does she think I brought her here to have sex or something? Because I didn't. Of course I'd love to do it with Clare but I brought her here because her home isn't safe tonight.

"Eli, I'm tired I want to sleep". She climbs into bed and shuts her eyes. She doesn't even bother to take off her makeup or change her clothes. I lay down next to her and wrap my arms around her. She flinches when I touch her. She seems really tense. I rub her arm soothingly. She slowly begins to relax into my hold. We both drift off. Together.

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**What do you guys think should happen next?**


	7. Chapter 7

**I do not own Degrassi. I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while! I've been busy with school and thanksgiving(since I live in Canada we celebrate it earlier). Also I had a bit of writers block and I rewrote this chapter like 4 times and I hated it every time. I still don't like it that much but I tried **

**Review?**

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**Chapter 7**

** Clare's POV**

I wake up and feel arms around me. Dave! I struggle against them but they hold firm! I scream at the top of lungs and don't stop screaming for a solid minute.

"Clare, it's Eli".

I stop struggling immediately. It was just Eli! God, I must've looked so stupid. I feel my face start to heat up, I hide it with my hair.

"Sorry Eli, I just had a nightmare" I lied.

"Right. Do you want breakfast?"

I nodded against his chest. He sprung up and walked down the stairs, I trailed behind him quietly. Today I would have to go home. No more hiding out, I have to go home.. My dad is going to be furious with me for running away. He's going to be mad because I ditched school yesterday, mad because a boy walked into the house and mostly mad because I ran away with a random guy. This time my mother won't defend me because this time I'll deserve every hit I get. It's my fault. It always is.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Fruit please" Fruit's a good option. Fruit has barely any calories. Fruit's easy to throw up. Then again, I can make anything come back up. I don't deserve food or nourishment in my system. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. Darcy doesn't even get to live, so why should I get to sit and eat? It's wrong. Everything is wrong.

Eli puts a plate of strawberries in front of me.

"Thanks Eli"

"Do you want to ditch school today?" He asks me.

"Eli, you ditched school yesterday and yesterday was your first day! You can't ditch your second day of school"

"Cece will call in sick for me, if you don't feel like going today".

I'd love to take him up on his offer and just not go to school today but I have to go! I already ditched yesterday and if I don't go to school today then it's just that much sooner till I have to go home and face my dad.

"I think we should go Eli. My parents will be angry with me if I don't go".

"Clare they'll cut you some slack. Your dad is probably so upset that he hit you yesterday and your mom probably feels guilty. You probably have them tied around your little finger right now".

I almost laugh. My parents will most definitely not cut me any slack whatsoever.

"I'm sure they will Eli but I want to go to school" I lie. I hate school. I don't want to go. I don't want to see Dave, Alli, Jenna, Bianca, Fitz or anybody else.

He nods. "We'll leave in 10 minutes. Go get ready".

I nod and walk up the stairs. I never touched my breakfast. I start replaying yesterday's conversation with Eli In my head. How could I be stupid? I gave him so much information that he might notice something is wrong. He did give me a lot of Tylenol to help my head, maybe it made me weirdly honest. I hope he forgets that I even said anything.

I stick my finger down my throat and try to throw up. It's not working, I didn't eat anything. I'm just dry heaving and a bit of acid falls out.

I hear footsteps up the stairs. I scramble up and flush the toilet. He runs into the room.

"Clare, were you throwing up?

I consider my options. I could lie to him and tell him I wasn't but he heard the sound and if I lied about it he'd know something was up. I could tell him I felt sick but then he won't let me go to school. "Yea, Eli I'm not feeling too well actually" I reply.

"Then you're not going to school"

I expected him to say that so I nod. "What are we doing instead?"

"hangout here?"

"Sure, what do you want to do?"

"Actually Clare, I want to talk to you about something."

"Okay"

"Yesterday, you said something about not believing in god. What did you mean?"

"I was kidding Eli, haven't you ever joked before?"

"Clare, come on."

"Eli calm down"

"You're hiding something and I just want to know what it is"

"Nothing"

"Clare, I can't deal with this, if you don't tell me what's wrong I don't want to talk to you anymore"

He is not doing this to me. He's the only one who gives me hope. Alli, Jenna, my parents, Darcy have all betrayed me. Left me. Eli is the only thing that makes me think that my life may have a point.

I want to open up and cry into his arms but I can't do that. It's not fair to him, it's better to just leave. Keep him out of my fucked up life.

I must've been sitting here for at least 5 minutes considering my options before I finally spoke.

"Eli, there is nothing going on."

"I'm not stupid, if you can't tell me then just go" he yells.

I nod. I grab my bag and run out of the house as fast as I can. Now what? Do I go to Degrassi an hour late? Do I go home? I could just run away. Run away from it all. I have 200 dollars with me, that's certainly enough for me to take a bus far away from Toronto. Maybe I could go to British Columbia or Saskatchewan, no one would bother looking for me all the way out there. No one would probably bother looking for me at all. I could start over. I'm pretty smart. I could do it.

I have to decide fast. I'm still standing in front of Eli's house. I guess I could just walk and see where it takes me. I begin to walk and think.

I doubt Eli would've ran away from me if I told him my problems but I just can't do that. It's embarrassing that I'm not always happy or that I'm not some God-loving freak that everyone thinks I am. I don't know if he truly even cares or if he's just pretending so that he can tell other people.

Eli's gone now. So that leaves me with no one. Right where I started. Why did I even bother thinking we could even be friends? He hates me. Maybe I should've told him but it's too late now. I can't think about "what if" because that will just hurt more.

I can always go back and explain but there's no point.

Useless. That's what I am and what I'll always be. As much as I want to open up to Eli and tell him what's wrong I know I can't. It's embarrassing. He probably won't even care. Maybe he'll stay and help me but he might walk away and that's too much of a risk for me to take. It's better if we separate because I walk away not because he does. I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not worth trying to be fixed. I'm just broken beyond repair, I wish I could be fixable. I know that later on I'll regret not telling him but by then it'll be too late.

I want to turn around right now and tell him but what if he doesn't believe me? Or if he thinks I'm just upset over nothing. Maybe I have nothing to be upset about and maybe this is just normal.

I could always write what happened in a note, that way I won't feel embarrassed telling him and I can word it perfectly. _No Clare._ I tell myself. I can't tell him. That's my final decision. I'm not turning around and I'm not going to go explain because I'm just not worth it. I'm just a waste of space.

I find myself walking into the forest where Dave raped me. I see a creek up ahead. I walk to the edge of it.

It's sunny out the birds are chirping it's a beautiful day. I loose footing for a second and fall into the creek. I hit my head on a rock when I fall and my head begins to bleed. I'm in the creek and I don't even bother to get up. I let myself lay here. The water covers my eyes and I just let them stay open. It's a pretty deep creek, I'm noticing that now because I keep sinking lower and lower and I haven't hit the bottom yet. I finally feel my body hit the bottom, the creek is at least 10 inches deep. I'm drowning and I know it but it's beautiful. I can see the sun's rays hit the water. It's so pretty. It's a nice view. I can see the blood from my head blend into the water.

I can feel water burning in my lungs but it's a nice feeling, it's a nice view. It's a perfect day to die. I'm starting to loose consciousness. My lungs are desperate for air but I refuse to get up, this burning is way better than the feeling I get when I cut. It's so satisfying and makes me feel alive even though I'm dying from it.

Suddenly I feel arms around me. They're pulling me out of the creek. _No_, I want to yell._ I want to die._

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**Okay, so that was a very weird chapter for me to write. **

** Review?**


	8. Chapter 8

**I do not own Degrassi.**

** watch?v=pBg9btpGqKU&feature=pyv in front of the link you have to type in www . youtube. **

**com /**

**fanfiction doesn't allow full links to go in  
**

**That is the song I'm referring to in this chapter. When my mother died, I listened to this song all the time, I guess that's where I got the idea from.**

**Review?**

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**Clare POV**

My lungs burn. They crave oxygen. Suddenly I feel oxygen being pumped into my lungs and water sloshing around in them. I sit up and cough and cough and cough until all the water leaves my system. I feel a hand rubbing my back soothingly, whoever pulled me out gave me CPR.

Who dragged me out of that creek? I don't even have to turn around before I think _Eli. _I turn around. Of course, I'm right. No one else would be kind enough to save me from a creek because no one else would care.

He pulls me into a hug, "Clare you scared me to death. You almost drowned!".

I shrug lightly.

"WHAT!?" he explodes "Do you even care that you almost died? Or was that some sort of suicide attempt" He grabs my chin harshly "Clare, look at me!". By now he's full out screaming. I huddle my knees to my chest and rock slightly and look into his deep, angry eyes.

"Clare, you know I would never hurt you right?"

"I" I can't speak. My throat burns too much. I try again "I know Eli" I say before I burst into a fit of coughing.

"Clare, I'm sorry for yelling but your life is so important and it's not something you can just toy around with. I didn't mean it when I said I didn't want you a part of my life anymore. I was angry that you wouldn't tell me what's going on but I realize now that you have to tell me in your own time and when you feel ready. And when you do feel ready, I'm here."

His words mean something to me. It's the first time somebody actually told me they care about me, that my life is important. "It's a long story and I don't want to drag you down with me."

"Clare, I drive a hearse, there's not much further down in darkness I can go" He chuckles lightly at his own joke.

"So you're… what…. Depressed?" I ask

"No, I just love black and brightness is annoying to me but mentally I'm in a stable place, well the most stable I've ever been in my life."

"Right"

"You could get better.

"I don't deserve to"

"Why?"

"Long story?"

"And I have time"

"I don't. Eli I should go home"

"Can we talk first? Please"

"Fine"

He starts walking out the forest and I follow him. He walks me to his hearse and opens the door for me.

"Thanks"

He nods at me and goes to the driver's side and sits down. He hands me a bottle of water. I open it and take a sip. My throat still feels incredibly dry.

"Want another one?" I didn't even realize I drank the whole bottle until he says that.

"No thanks, I'm good. What did you want to talk about?"

"I told you that I'm not going to push you, to tell me what's wrong and I'm going to keep that promise but now I just to talk to you."

I nod at him to continue.

"I've only a known you for a few days Clare but I feel like I've known you longer. I'm sorry for kicking you out of my house earlier when I watched you walk out, it terrified me and it's why I followed you here. A year ago I lived in British Columbia and I had a girlfriend named Julia. We dated for a long time. She was the girl version of me. She was perfect, except for one thing. We fought often. Sometimes the fights would get terrible. We'd scream at each other for hours. One night she was over at my house and we were just talking and then suddenly one of us got angry at each other and we started screaming for hours. Finally I told her to get out of my house because I didn't want to see her anymore. She took off on her bike and got hit by a drunk driver. She was killed instantly. Clare, when I saw you leave my house like that, with both of us so angry and frustrated, it was like history repeating itself. History does that, it repeats and this is one part of history that I wish would never repeat. So Clare, I'm so-"

"Don't be sorry Eli. What happened with Julia, it isn't your fault. It was an accident". I cut him off before he could finish. He has no reason to be apologizing it's my fault. If I wasn't such a coward I could just tell him the truth. I could save him from bringing back old thoughts of his ex-girlfriend. I can't even imagine how terrible it must have been for him to loose his girlfriend.

"I can't control what happened with Julia but I can control what happens with you. I want you to be okay Clare". His hands begin to shake a little so I reach out and grab them and hold them tightly.

"Clare, I need you" he whispers.

"I need you too". I say equally as quiet.

He pulls me into a hug and we stay like that for a while.

"Clare, don't let me give up on you okay? Because if I give up on you, it's like giving up on me too"

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him. He's consumed my mind. He's taken up all of my thoughts. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face. If he thought of me half as much as I thought him, I'd be flattered. I know that if I tell him, I don't deserve saving he'll deny it and I don't feel like getting into that argument, so instead I just nod against his neck.

I don't deserve saving, everything that is broken in my life is my fault. If I wasn't so stuck up and didn't act so innocent then maybe Dave wouldn't have felt the need to take my innocence away. If I were a better sister, Darcy wouldn't have been raped or committed suicide. If I was a better daughter my parents would still be together and my dad wouldn't feel the need to get physical. If I could be a stronger person I wouldn't feel the need to cut. If I could loose weight the normal way than I wouldn't have to starve myself. Everything is so screwed up but there's no one to blame but me. I can't push my problems onto others.

"It's 11:00" Eli says breaking my trance.

"I have to get home soon"

"For what time?"

"3:30"

That means 4 and half hours left of safety and security left before I go back to my life of fear, worry and stress. I twist my purity ring.

"You always do that" Eli tells me.

"What?"

"Twist your purity ring. As if you don't deserve to wear it"

How does he notice these things? He's so observant. Or maybe it's not that hard to figure me out, if someone tries to. "Habit, I guess" I shrug. Shrugging is good, shrugging shows you don't care and you don't know what you're talking about. It show's everything is fine.

Eli leans over and turns on the radio. "Jealous of the Angels" by Jenn Bostic comes on. I almost run out of the car. It's the song I listened to 24/7 when Darcy first died. It's funny how listening to a song can take you back to any place in time, no matter how long it's been. It brings back the same emotions every time and it reminds that I'm still the same person, even if I feel so different. I close my eyes and try to remain calm but I can't. The lyrics flow into my mind.

_I didn't know today would be our last  
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast  
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore  
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door  
And tell me that I was only dreamin'  
You're not really gone as long as I believe_

_You always made my troubles feel so small  
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall  
In a world where heroes come and go  
Well God just took the only one I know  
So I'll hold you as close as I can  
Longing for the day, when I see your face again  
But until then_

A tear slides down my right cheek. I look out the window and catch it before Eli notices it. Another tear slips out and soon tons are coming, they start coming a little faster. I wipe faster and try to hide my face with my hair. I take a deep breath and try to stop the tears. Somehow I manage to do it. I close my eyes and try to drown out the song. It's hard and the melody is giving me chills.

I can't take it anymore. I can't sit in this car.

"Eli, I need some space right now. I'm going to go home okay?"

He nods. He's pretending not to care, I can tell but inside I've hurt him.

"It's not anything you did, I just want to be alone right now". I assure him

"It's okay, call me later?"

"Of course" I give a fake smile.

I open the door of the hearse and begin walking. It's freezing outside. I pass the spot Dave raped me and I shudder a little bit. Each step is getting harder to take but I know my destination.

15 minutes later I arrive at Darcy's grave. She's got a flat tombstone, not one that sticks up. Her area of the graveyard looks like a park. It's so peaceful and pretty. There's flower's everywhere. Graveyards freak a lot of people out but I find so much peace in them. I can almost feel the spirits of the dead people. The nice spirits, it fills me with peace and a sense of security.

I sit down right near Darcy's grave and begin to speak to her.

"This is the first time I've came here alone. I need to talk to you. I need my sister. I love you Darcy. I can't believe you left me the way you did. To be honest, I'm a little angry. You left me with parents who yell and scream. You left me with an angry father who hits me. I never understood how you felt when you were raped. Then I got raped and now I understand. You feel broken and helpless. You don't feel in control of your own body anymore, I guess that's why I stopped eating. It's something I can control. Dave Turner raped me. God, it's so hard to say out loud. It's hard to accept that I was raped. KC and I broke up. He cheated on me with Jenna so you were right in predicting that, then again, you always were right. You were the smart one, the pretty one and the one that everyone loved. So why you left I will never understand. I'm sorry for not being a better sister to you Darcy. I love you so much. I'll never stop. Missing you is like hunger pangs. It comes and goes. Sometimes missing you hurts so much I feel like I'm going to be sick and sometimes I don't feel it at all. I just feel numb to it and I don't think of it. I've practically given up hope. Alli doesn't speak to me anymore and neither does Jenna. There's one guy that's been giving me hope though. He's new to Degrassi and his name is Eli. You've never met him or seen him, unless you're watching me from heaven. He's the type of guy that you'd never see me talking to and to be honest I was surprised at myself for speaking to him but he gives me hope. A hope for a future and it makes me feel great but I'm sure eventually he'll leave me because life isn't fair and everything I love always crumbles right in front of me and falls out of my hands. Darcy, I miss you".

Then I stop speaking. I can't stop speaking. I'm overcome by sobs. They overpower me. I don't think I've ever cried this much or so needy. I sob so strongly. I'm sure everyone in the cemetery can hear me but I need this. I need the tears it's a healthier way of getting out my anger then cutting. I sob harder. I can't stop. I can't breathe. The tears are blinding. I'm doing the cry that 3 year olds do when they don't get the Barbie they want but I'm doing it because I'm not getting the life I want but then again, who does? I cry more and more. Thinking of how much life changed. I want my life back, the one where I was happy. I choke a little bit and the tears are starting to slow down. I hug my knees to chest and just rock there as silent tears start streaming down my face.

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**Review? Give me ideas for the next chapter? I'm honestly not a strong writer at all I need help. **


	9. Chapter 9

**I don't own Degrassi. **

**Review?**

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**Chapter 9  
**

**Eli's POV**

I want to know what's wrong with Clare. Not knowing what's wrong is literally driving my insane. I'm still sitting in my hearse. She left me here when she told me she needed time alone. I should've offered her a ride home. God, I'm such an idiot. It's cold outside.

_ Was the stunt in the creek a suicide attempt?_ That question has been driving me crazy. It's been bouncing around in my head the whole time she was sitting in my car but I just wasn't brave enough to ask her. To be honest I don't want to know the answer. I don't want to think that Clare is in such a dangerous place.

What scars me the most about Clare drowning in that creek wasn't that her head was bleeding or that she was about to die. Of course that scars me too but not at much as her face. Her face was peaceful and she had a small smile on her lips. Like she was getting relief from drowning.

If I didn't follow Clare today, this would've been a Julia all over again. I really want to know what's wrong with Clare. I want to help her. I think it may have something to do with her sister Darcy. Yesterday she said something about her sister committing suicide. Maybe Clare feels her sister's death was her fault. What if Clare left to go commit suicide?

I turn on the engine as soon as that thought enters my mind. I drive the route to her house slowly just in case I see her on the sidewalk, walking. I don't see her anywhere and there's no way she's home yet. Shit. She could be anywhere. I begin to aimlessly drive around. Suddenly I see her. Her long sleeve purple shirt is vibrant against everyone else's dark jackets. She's walking into a cemetery. I don't drive in because she'd notice my hearse.

I park across the street and follow her into the cemetery. She stops at a tombstone and looks around. Finally she sits down and begins to speak. She's far away and I can't hear her words. Suddenly she stops talking and begins to cry. Their gut wrenching sobs and I can feel her pain all the way from back here. I want to run up and comfort her but I can't do that. So I just stand here and watch. Finally she stops crying. I don't know how long she was crying for, about an hour maybe? Now she's sitting there calmly and looking at the stone. I don't have to be over there to know that it's Darcy's. I can just tell by the way she's looking at it.

I find my feet bringing myself towards her. I need to talk to her.

I clear my throat a little bit "Clare".

She jumps as if someone is going to kill her.

"Oh Eli! It's just you" She breathes in relief.

"Who did you think it was?" I ask

She shrugs "I don't know".

She's lying. Again. She always does.

I take a seat next to her and sneak a peak at the stone. It's Darcy's, I was right. "What do you miss about her?"

"Everything"

"I'm sorry Clare"

"It's not your fault, don't apologize to me. I don't deserve apologies"

"What happened to your sister isn't your fault"

"I guess…"

She just said that to avoid the argument. She does this a lot.

"I want to help you. I don't want to push you but you have to be honest with me Clare. You need to tell me the truth and if you're not ready to tell me, then tell me you can't tell me but don't lie to me about it! Because you're a shitty liar"

"Here's the truth. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve you but because I'm selfish I'm letting you stick around and I'm going to end up dragging you down with me. Everything wrong is my fault and I deserve every ounce of pain I have. So don't try to downplay it like I'm not a terrible person because I am!"

"Baby steps then?"

"yea" She whispers.

"Do you really want to go home tonight? Because Hotel Eli is up for business!" I say with mock enthusiasm. She gives me a half-hearted laugh.

"I'd love to stay at Hotel Eli another night but I really should go home"

"Why?"

"My parents will miss me if I'm gone too long"

"What if I miss you?"

"Then call me"

"I might take you up on that Edwards"

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't"

"Good" I say

"Good" she says back.

"Good"

"Good"

"Good"

"Good"

"I'm bored of this, new game?" I smirk.

"Eli!"

"How about we finish our game of twenty questions?"

"Fine"

"Who goes first?"

"You"

"Okay. I heard a rumor that you dated that KC kid. Is it true?"

"How have you only been at school for one day and you already heard rumors about me?"

"I guess it's not a rumor. I asked around" I wink at her. "But stop avoiding the question"

"Yes, I did date KC"

"And…..?"

"What Eli?" She says in a fake annoyed tone.

"Why'd you end it?"

"He had sex with Jenna while we were dating. Any more questions?"

"Of course but it's your turn to ask, so ask away!"

"Biggest fear?"

"Depression". I clear my throat "I used to be depressed and it was the scariest thing in my life. I never felt more alone or scared or terrified of myself in my life. I'm scared it will come back or that it will hurt someone I know"

She looks down and blinks a couple of times.

"What about you?"

"Love"

"Care to elaborate?"

"Love gives someone the power to break you. It blinds you from seeing reality."

I don't question her further because I understand.

"What's your favorite movie?"

"Really, Eli?"

"What, Twilight?" I smirk.

"No! My sister's keeper"

"Never seen that"

"It's kind of a girl thing"

"Right."

"Not to sound like a beauty pageant but if you could have one wish. What would it be?"

"I would wish for knowledge. I'd wish to know everything because not knowing kills me."

She nods in agreement.

"What's your idea of a perfect date?" I ask her. She blushes at my question.

"I don't know. I guess I'll just take a scene from a movie. A walk on the beach at sunset?"

"Are you telling me or asking me?"

"Telling." She says in a fake annoyed voice.

I memorize that. Someday I'll make that come true.

"Do you think everything happens for a reason?" She asks me.

"No. I don't like to think that the universe is planned out because that makes me feel limited and trapped, like someone out there already knows my whole life before I do and to be honest that creeps me out."

She smiles at my response.

"What's the last book you read?"

"Hope"

"By?

"Gretchen Olsen"

"What's it about?"

"Isn't it my turn to ask the question now?"

I smack her in the arm lightly and she flinches. I give her a questioning look and she gives me a look back telling me to forget about it.

"Fine Ms. Edwards. Ask away!"

"Are you moving back to BC when you graduate from Degrassi?"

"I want to go to UBC or NYU so I guess it depends what I get accepted into. If I get accepted into both I'm going to NYU for sure. Favorite season?"

"Fall. I like the colors. You?"

"Winter"

"Really?" She asks me doubtfully.

"Yea, why?"

"Winter is so white and jolly and such a happy season. I expected you to say you hate all seasons"

I smirk. "Sorry to disappoint"

"I think I'll live"

I'm about to respond when I feel a raindrop hit my nose.

"Woah, where did the rain come?" I wonder out loud.

"The sky Eli!" Clare tells me. I shove her shoulder lightly. This time she doesn't flinch.

"An hour ago the weather was perfect. How did the cloud get here_ so_ fast?"

"Are you asking me? Or just talking to yourself?"

"A bit of both?"

"Life does that. Brings clouds when you least expect it."

"I guess. Do you want a ride home?"

"Guess this means 20 questions is over?"

"For now" I tell her.

She giggles and faces her head into the sky letting the rain hit her. "I love the rain"

"Why?"

"I like the sound it makes on my window and I like how it wakes me up. It makes me feel more alive than the sun."

I start walking towards Morty. It's hard to breathe, the rain is coming down so hard and the wind is knocking the breath out of my lungs. I struggle with each step. Clare's following behind me slightly but her face is still skyward. She's letting the rain pelt her face.

Finally we reach Morty. I don't even bother opening the door for Clare this time I just run into the car and close the door. A few seconds later I hear the passenger door slam and Clare's sitting in the car shivering.

"You shouldn't have done that"

"The feeling I get when rain comes is worth getting a little wet"

She has bruises on her face. The rain must've washed off her makeup. I don't question it because I know she'll lie about it. She'll tell me when she's ready.

"Want me to drive you home?"

"Sure"

I start up Morty and begin to drive slowly through the streets.

"You're coming to school tomorrow right?"

"Yep!"

"Good"

A few minutes later I pull into her driveway. She's still soaked from the rain.

"I guess this is bye?".

"Call me later?"

"Of course, bye Eli!"

"Bye Clare"

I back out the driveway and begin my drive home.


	10. Chapter 10

**I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters. Please review. The premiere of Degrassi season 12.5 came out today! By the way today is Friday, October 12, 2012. If you have any predictions about what will happen in the future, let me know by sending me a PM or reviewing ****. I know I've done a lot of dialogue in the last few chapters and I'm sorry about that. **

**Let me know if you think I'm making their friendship go to fast. I'm not going to let Eli find out about her problems for a while because I don't want to take things to fast**

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**Chapter 10**

**Clare's POV**

I check the time on my phone. It's 3:05. I still haven't gone in my house yet. Eli dropped me off at 3. I'm terrified to go in. Standing outside my house isn't that much better. Waiting to go inside is burning me with anticipation.

Every time I hear my dad's car pull into the driveway or into the garage I panic. I pray that he's in a good mood. Today I know he's not. Today he'll be pissed at me. I doubt he'll hit me any harder or yell at me any louder but it's still terrifying me. When he hits me, I always remind myself to not react. Don't cry, don't move, don't fight back and definitely don't talk. Pretend it's fine. When he hits me, crying doesn't help my situation. My tears anger him and he hits harder. Moving is worse than crying, he'll chase me and when he catches me he'll hit me harder. Fighting back isn't even an option. He's my father and I can't hurt him. Talking makes things the worst. He gets frustrated when I talk. Who doesn't? It's better to just sit there and take it. That's the easiest way.

Sometimes when my dad comes home from work he'll be in a good mood. Sometimes we talk and laugh and joke around. But it's never a normal conversation, when we talk I'm always nervous and abnormally aware my words. I think everything through before it comes out of my mouth. The easiest things set him off. I engage it polite conversation with him and _normally_ I can manage to keep him calm. When he's in a really good mood, I even get to joke around. But I always remind myself to not get too comfortable. Maybe he's bipolar, I'm not too sure but I do know that his mood swings are un-natural. Every time he passes my room I make a silent prayer that he won't come it.

I have to go inside. I take one step a time and slowly walk to the front door and open it.

"Hello?" I call out.

There's no reply. Maybe he's not home yet. I walk back outside and open the garage. No cars are in there. He's not home yet! I let out a breath of relief.

I close the garage door and walk back inside. I take the stairs two at a time, walk into my room and close the door.

I open my phone and send a text to Eli.

_Hey_

Not even a minute later, my phone buzzes. I grab it.

_Parents home yet?_

_ Not yet_

_ They owe you BIG time when they get home! Wonder what type of laptop your getting…._

I almost laugh to myself at the ridiculousness of that statement. Eli _would _think my parents feel guilty. I have no sympathy for myself. I deserved to be knocked out by my father. _I_ ditched class. No, he didn't have to hit me so hard that I got knocked out but at least he taught me a lesson.

_Haha. A mac hopefully!_

My phone buzzes in reply but I don't bother to check it because I hear the garage door open. My dad's home! I walk down the stairs mechanically and sit on a stool in the kitchen. My hands are shaking but I can't let him see, so I sit on them.

He opens the door. He actually looks… _calm?_

"Hi Dad!" I saw as cheerfully as I can muster.

"Hi angel!"

He's not mad. _He's not mad. _Why isn't he mad? Something's wrong. He should be furious right now. Why is he being so calm?

"How was work?"

"It was great baby. How was school? Did that boy give you a ride to school today?" He asks me calmly.

My dad's not the type to trick me into admitting something. He's honestly not mad at me. I begin to breathe a little bit. He's not mad. I'm safe for tonight. I can talk to him. He's fine. I let out another breath.

"Actually I wasn't feeling too well, so he drove me home today at around 10" I give him half the truth. For a split second, I considered lying and telling him I went to school but Degrassi calls home when you don't show up so he would find out that I didn't go today. It's better I tell him, then him finding out later. Especially since this is the best mood he ever get's in and it's rare.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Do you want me to take you to the doctors?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks for the offer though. I'm going to go do homework, okay?"

"Sure! No problem. Good luck angel."

"Thanks dad" I say as I begin to walk towards the stairs. I'm halfway up the stairs when I hear him call me.

"Clare?"

"Yea?"

"Your mother is going to be home at 8. We're going to have a family talk so try to get your homework done before then"

"Sure" I tell him.

Something is up. I can tell. He would normally be furious with me for what I did yesterday. It's almost as if he feels guilty about something. I don't think we've ever had a "family talk". I have 5 hours to sit here and worry about what this talk will be about.

I walk up the rest of the stairs slowly. I open my door and close it quietly, making sure I don't slam it. My dad hates when I do that. I check my phone for Eli's message.

_ Lucky! Do you have plans tonight?_

_ No_

_ Now you do_

_ ?_

_ Be there in 5_

_ Eli! I just got home. NO! _

My phone rings. Eli's calling.

"Hey"

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing yet. I'm about to do homework. I have to watch up on all that work I missed. Since I ditched."

"Was is it worth it?" I can practically feel his smirk through the phone.

"Maybe…." I joke.

"Oh you know it was. So how about you take a break from that homework?"

"I haven't even started yet!"

"Please!"

"Fine. Pick me up at 5 o clock"

"That's not for an hour!"

"5 or nothing. Your choice"

"Fine!"

"I can only hangout till 7. My dad wants to have a "family talk" later"

"Uh oh"

"I know. See you in an hour?"

"Yep, bye Clare"

"Bye"

He hangs up the phone.

I don't want to do homework. I'm too lazy. My mind keeps wandering. I really want to know what my parents have to say to me. What if they found my diary? Oh my god! I can't afford to think thoughts like this. I've went two whole days without cutting. I can't think about this! It will drive me insane. I guess it is a good thing I'm hanging out with Eli later. I open my binder and begin doing algebra. It's boring, pointless and there's only one answer to every problem. That's what I hate about math. It teaches you nothing about life. It fools young kids into believing that every problem can be solved with one simple little answer. Life doesn't just have one answer like math does. I need to shut my thoughts off now and focus. I turn off my thoughts and focus on the equations. It's simple and easy.

**XXX**

About an hour later, my phone rings.

"Eli?"

"Good guess"

"Here's another one. You're outside?"

"Yep"

"I'll be right out. I just got to let my dad know that I'm going out"

"Alright. See you in a few" The line goes flat. He must've hung up.

I jog down the stairs quickly. I don't want to keep Eli waiting for too long.

My dad's sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper and sipping on coffee.

"Hey dad"

He notices my bag. "Going out?"

I cross my fingers behind my back hoping that I don't soil his good mood with my news. "Alli wants to meet me at the DOT to help her with some homework"

"Yeah that's fine. Just remember to be home by eight, okay?"

"Thanks dad! Love you"

"I love you too. More than anything."

I smile at him and walk through the kitchen slowly, not wanting to look too eager to get out of here.

I spot Eli's hearse parked across the road.

I walk a little faster. I whip open the door and take a seat.

"Hey, long time no see" I joke.

He chuckles at my lame attempt of a conversation starter. "What do you want to do?" He asks.

"Dinner?"

"Sure. How about Little Miss Steaks?"

"Perfect" I say and smile.

**XXX**

"See you tomorrow at school" was Eli's parting line to me as he dropped me off a few houses down from my own. I didn't want my dad to see me getting out of Eli's car.

I hope my Dad's still in a good mood. He was so _happy_ before.

I walk in quietly. My dad doesn't notice, he's too busy watching hockey. I walk into my room and quietly shut my door. Dinner with Eli was fun. A nice way to pass time. I don't think his company will get boring. We didn't ask questions this time. Instead I filled him on what happened with KC, Jenna and Alli. He's never even had a conversation with KC or Alli and now he hates them. Just because I do. It makes me happy that he doesn't like them either. That sounds like a terrible thing to say but it makes me happy to know he won't talk to KC or Alli. Who knows what lies they'll tell him about me? He's already talked to Jenna once. She hit on him, not that I'm surprised. She probably cheats on KC with a new guy every day.

The sound of the door opening breaks me out of my thoughts immediately. My mom must be home.

"Clare! Can you come down for a minute? We need to talk" I hear my mother yell up the stairs.

"Coming" I yell and I start walking down the stairs. I'm nervous. This never happens in my house. We never have these sit down talks. This could be about anything.

My parents are both sitting on the couch side by side. They aren't making eye contact with each other. They're both sitting faced forward.

"Clare" my mother says and stands up. Her face is emotionless.

"Mom?"

"Clare, I'm sorry" She starts to say more but it's not understandable because she's broken off by her own sobs.

**Review? What do you think should happen next?**


	11. Chapter 11

**I do not own Degrassi. I really wanted to get a chapter up today. That's why it's so short.**

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**Chapter 11 **

**Clare's POV**

"Mom, what's wrong?" I ask wearily.

She shakes her head "Randall, you tell her!"

My dad clears his throat "Your mother and I are getting a divorce"

I want to scream at them. I want to punch something but I can't so I remain calm. Acting out will only make my dad angry.

"If you'll both be happier then I'm happy for you" I say with fake niceness that they can't see through.

"Thank you for understanding baby" my mom says and lightly pats my hair.

"Clare, you and I are going to stay here and your mother has found a new place to live"

I don't know what to say. I want to argue with him but I can't. So I act okay.

My mother finally speaks "You're going to live here, with your father". She takes a deep breath. "It's better if you stay here because this house is near Degrassi."

I don't say anything because I know there's more. My mother is struggling to say something more.

"Oh, just fucking tell her Helen!" My dad yells and my mother and I both jump. Well, there goes the good mood. His eyes are flat. There is no depth to them. He's out of control and he's beginning to shake. His face is red and twisted. It's terrifying.

I stay quiet. "I'm moving to Ottawa" my mother finally says. She gives a nervous glance at my dad. We're both hoping he can calm himself down and not freak at us.

"Tell her why Helen" My dad says angrily but somewhat calmer. His eyes are back. They aren't wild or out of control anymore. Now he's just angry, not out of control.

"I had an affair with another man. He lives in Ottawa and I am going there to live with him. Clare you can't come. He doesn't know I have a child but you and your dad will have a great time here, together" She lies to my face blatantly. She knows we won't. She knows I won't be safe here. She just get's the easy way out. Moving 5 hours away where my father can't touch her.

All I want to do right now is run to my bathroom and cut. I want to release this. I want to release this anger and this hopelessness that's building inside of my right now. I need to forget and focus on a bigger pain then what's happening to me. I need to focus on physical pain because I like that type. Physical pain makes sense. It disconnects me from the confusion of life and just brings me into another world. A world of pain but the pain makes sense and I love that feeling.

"I'm sorry Clare" My mother says and reaches out to touch my shoulder. I let her. I don't cry and I don't speak. I stay silent, as always.

"I have some homework to do. Can I go upstairs?" I ask my Dad.

"Get out of here!" My dad says with anger.

He's mad at me again. Why? I have no idea. I'm the punching bag. I'm the one he takes his frustrations out on when _he _gets in a bad mood. I take the stairs at a normal pace trying to make everything look normal. I open the bathroom door and close it quietly.

Now I'm crazy. Now I'm not the cool, calm, collected person I was 5 minutes ago. Now I'm crazy and I'm a crazy bitch who needs to cut. I tear the razor out of it's spot and tear it through my wrist.

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**Review? **


	12. Chapter 12

**I do not own Degrassi. **

**Degrassi Building a mystery Pt. 2 comes out tomorrow. I'm really excited about that. Any predictions?**

_**Sorry this chapter is a little long**_

**Anyways…**

**Review?**

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**Chapter 12**

**Clare's POV**

The blood's pouring out of my arm the same way it always does but this time something's different, for once cutting isn't helping. It's not letting me escape life. I'm not forgetting that my mom is moving to Ottawa or that I have to live here** alone** with my father. The physical pain the blade is giving me feels like nothing compared to everything else.

My parent's used to be Christian! Hell, I thought they still were. Adultery's a fucking sin and I can't believe my mother would commit it.

In the back of mind, I know all the blame shouldn't be put on my mother. I know that my father doesn't have "late meetings" every night and I know that my father doesn't love my mother anymore. However my father isn't someone I can blame. I can't yell at him or scream because he has no hesitation to do it right back. My mother is the only one I can take this anger out on and for that I feel terrible. I feel like a bully for it. Worst of all I feel like my father for it. Blaming someone who I shouldn't be blaming. She doesn't deserve the blame but because I'm a sick, nasty and twisted person I'm going to continue blaming her anyways because that's how life works. For some reason this world always seems to think that we can blame just one person for a problem. We're all part of the sin. It's all interconnected. I shouldn't be going around pointing the finger at my mother when I can point it at myself but yet I do it anyway. I blame myself too but that's besides the point.

It's not fair. Why do I have to suffer because my parents hate each other? I didn't do anything! I guess that's where the quote "Life isn't fair" comes in. I've always understood that life isn't fair but in these past few months I've started to think that life isn't worth it.

What am I going to amount to when I'm older? _Nothing. _I have decent grades but nothing I excel in. I used to excel in writing but I can't be a writer. Writers have to be brave and have to not care what others think and unfortunately, I care.

I push the razor into my arm again and watch the blood slowly dance out of my left forearm. It's not taking away my pain. I'm craving that feeling that I had when I was drowning. That was the best distraction from life. I felt death coming. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. I can't escape by cutting. I probably deserve this pain. I've never done anything to deserve a good life. So why should I expect one?

For today, I'm done with cutting. It's not working. I mechanically clean everything up. I take my time as I wrap my arm in gauze and then I slowly put on my sweater. I walk to my room quickly to avoid running into either of my parents.

Now what? I have nothing to do. I could go for a run to burn off all my excess fat but I have no energy. I want to sleep and not wake up. I want to die but that's not right. It's not fair to just leave the world, that's like taking the easy way out. That's for cheaters. Everyone was born to die. When people die, it's the universe's way of saying you're fired, when people commit suicide it's like saying "I quit". I don't want to be a quitter.

I hear a knock on my door, it takes me right out of my thoughts and into the present. I cross my fingers and hope it's my mom.

"Come in" I say cheerily in an attempt to hide my nerves. My stomach has butterflies.

My mother comes in quietly and shuts the door behind her. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Hi" She says quietly. I want to yell at her but my dad would hear so I keep my meltdown quiet.

"Why did you have an affair mom? I thought adultery was a sin, I thought you were Christian and most of all I thought you and dad were in love!"

"Clare you know me and your father have problems" Your father and I, I mentally correct her in my head. "Darling he didn't tell you this but he had an affair too"

"So? Dad and I have problems too but your just leaving me here with him! How could you do this to me? You already lost Darcy. Leave me here and you'll loose me too" I choose not to address the fact that my father had an affair. At the back of my mind I knew he did. I expected my dad to have an affair; he's that type of guy. Just because I expected it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear. My mother is the one I never expected to commit adultery.

"Clare, your father isn't a bad man"

"Then why are you leaving?"

I'm almost in tears but I'm trying to keep them in. I don't want my mother to know that she has this kind of power over me.

She takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself down before she speaks. She's almost in tears, "I'm leaving because he gets physical fast and it's not safe for me to be in this environment. I'm leaving because this house reminds me of Darcy. But mostly Clare I'm leaving because I don't love Randall anymore"

"or me" I whisper.

"Clare! That's not true! You have to trust me."

I want to trust her. I want to trust her so bad but I can't.

"Mom I need privacy, please get out of my room"

"Fine" She huffs angrily as she slams the door behind her.

"STOP SLAMMING DOORS, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" I hear my father yell. I flinch.

How does his mood fluctuate from happy to pissed so fast?

"Sorry Randall!" I hear my mother yell to him in reply.

I wonder if this is how everyone's life is. No one's life can be perfect. The world isn't fair and wouldn't allow that to happen. I need stop thinking I'm so damn "special" because I'm not. Everyone probably has a life like this. I'm not abused, this is probably normal. No one can live perfectly all the time with a family. I'm over-reacting I just need to shut up and experience the real world. What I'm dealing with isn't un-ordinary.

I'm so self-centered. God, what is my problem?

I promised Eli I would call him but I'm too tired right now. I should text him that I'm fine and that my parents announcement wasn't that big even though I know it is. I should text him but I don't feel like human contact,

I'll just wait till tomorrow to talk to him.

I walk into my closet and pull on my pajamas. A short sleeve top and short shorts, something I would never wear to school. This outfit doesn't cover half my bruises.

I bury myself in my covers and cry into my pillow.

**Eli's POV**

I'm still waiting for Clare's call, she promised she would call me when she finished her "talk" with her parents.

I think I might be falling for her. Sometimes I'll catch myself smiling and then I'll realize I was thinking about her. I feel so guilty when I think of falling for her. She deserves way better than me. She's an angel. She might not be perfect but I love her imperfections as if they're perfect.

I really want to call her but I don't want to seem obsessed or clingy. Most people at Degrassi have mistook me for a player because I act "dark". I'm not a player. I might like the color black and I might have morbid thoughts but I would never play with someone's heart. I know better than that. I know heartbreak. I live with it every day.

I think I'll always love Jules but I'm starting to realize that I can't spend my life wishing Julia was still here. I'm allowed to miss her but I can't spend my life wishing for the past.

I'm growing sick of this debating. I'm going to call Clare, right now I don't care if I sound needy I want to hear her voice. I dial her number and bring the phone to my ear. I'm laying on my bed and I bounce a little bit in anticipation. The phone rings four times and she doesn't pick up.

I guess I could try again in ten minutes.

**Clare's POV**

My favorite dead hand song begins to play. It's my ringtone for my cellphone. It's probably Eli calling but I don't bother picking up. I have no energy, I'm still sobbing. I've completely forgotten to watch my volume. I'm bawling at the top of my lungs.

I hear a fist banging on my door. I jump immediately jumping into the present. It has to be my father. My mother doesn't bang on the door like that. I quickly hop out of my bed and stand near the door.

"Hi" I yell out meekly.

My father barges in angrily.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING? SHUT THE FUCK UP CLARE. YOU'RE SO DAMN FORTUNATE FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO CRY, YOU DUMB BITCH!"

I don't speak. Speaking won't do anything. I just stand there in fear as my dad comes towards me. My lips are dry but I don't dare lick them. I don't even bother to move. I'm freezing. Being terrified makes me cold.

My dads face is a centimeter from mine as he continues to scream.

"DARCY WAS MY FAVORITE CHILD! SHE GOT BETTER GRADES THAN YOU. SHE WAS PRETTIER. SHE WAS THE BEST. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I WISH YOU DIED INSTEAD"

His eyes are dark. He doesn't know what he's saying. He's drunk I can smell the vodka on his lips.

I want to close my eyes and go to my happy place but I don't dare move.

My fathers fist slams into my right cheek. I hear the sound before I feel the pain. I stumble backwards. He takes both of his hands and shoves me down as hard as I can. I stumble and fall onto the floor.

I black out.

**Eli's POV**

I'm starting to panic. I've sent Clare 7 texts and called her 15 times. Call me a stalker but I have a feeling something is up. Her phone could've died but it's not going to hurt to drive over and check on her.

A few minutes later I'm pulling my car into her driveway. I know her parents are hardcore Christians so I decide to climb through her window. There's a ladder at the side of her house so I grab it and slowly climb up to her window.

I smell blood. I peer in through the window. Clare's lying on the floor unconscious. There are bruises covering every inch of her body. I was right to check on her. Do I call the cops? What do I do? I need to get her to my house right now.

She left her window open and I leap in. I walk through her room and grab her body and try to shuffle us both down the ladder. It's difficult but I manage. It's pitch black outside, I put Clare in my hearse and speed home.

Neither of my parents are home when I bring Clare in. I carry her down my hall until we reach my room.

I turn on the light in my room and take a look at Clare. She has bruises covering every inch of her skin. She has no makeup and I realize how much makeup she's been wearing to cover the bruises on her face.

The minute my eyes make contact with her left forearm I panic. There's a cut every two centimeters, they scale her arm like a ladder. I've never understood why people cut. When I wad depressed I never even thought of cutting. I thought of suicide but I never thought of harming myself in that manner. I almost scoff at myself when I think of when I thought Clare was "St. Clare". Her life isn't perfect at all, she's just a damn good actress.

Clare's phone is in her shorts pocket I whip it out and send a text to her mom.

_Hey mom. Spending the night at Alli's house see you tomorrow! _

Now that she's not in such baggy clothes I realize how skinny she is. . Her hipbones are un-healthily prominent. _Do they feed her in that house?_

I don't know what to do. I think I should wake her up to keep her from slipping into a coma. I shake her shoulders a little bit.

"Clare wake up" I don't even bother being loud. I can't. I'm still in shock by seeing all her cuts. Her cuts scare me. I don't like seeing her pain in such a physical way. I'm not giving Clare this "On your own time" bullshit anymore. When she wakes up she's fucking telling me everything. I'm not letting her leave my house until she does. I need to know. I can't do this anymore.

Seeing her this way convinced me that the river stunt was a suicide attempt.

Her eyelids begin to flutter as she wakes up.

"Eli?"

**Clare's POV**

I feel arms shake my shoulders.

I open my eyes slowly. It's Eli. What is Eli doing at my house? I look around. I'm at Eli's house. What am I doing at Eli's house?

"Eli?"

"Clare, no more lies"

"What?" I play dumb. I look down at myself and I realize what must've happened. I remember my father barging into my room. Eli must've found me passed out with all my bruises showing. Why is he not running away? Why isn't he more freaked out?

_My cuts!_ I try to sneakily look down at my wrist. There showing. He's staring at them. _He knows. _What do I do? I can't deny anymore. I can't do this! Why am I here? Why is this happening to me? I feel my cheeks start to burn. I'm beyond humiliated. I'm supposed to be perfect Clare. Instead I'm just average Clare. Instead I'm the Clare with burden just like everyone else.

"Clare stop playing dumb"

I take a deep breath. "It's a long story?" I say and try to lighten the mood by laughing a bit. He's not going with that.

"Tell me. Clare I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here and you're going to tell me everything. I want to help but you have to let me"

" I don't need help Eli!"

"The fact that you say that, shows me that you do"

"Eli please!"

I start sobbing. I can't control it anymore. I cry. He lays next to me on the bed and wraps his arms tightly around me. He's holding me so tightly and I love this feeling. I love the feeling that he's holding me so tightly that I won't break or fall apart.

I take another deep breath.

"I don't have a problem. I'm average. Everyone has stuff to live with and so do I. It's nothing out of the ordinary or huge."

"Tell me what it is then"

"What do you want to know?"

"I want to know the reason for all the cuts on your arm."

I flinch at the harshness of his voice. He notices and holds me tighter. "Everything Eli! Everything in my life just came crashing down and at once and cutting was my proof that I'm not dreaming and that I'm still alive. It's my escape and my way to get out"

"What came crashing together?"

"How I lost KC, Jenna and Alli. How I lost Darcy. My parents just told me they're getting a divorce. They yell and scream all the time and I just do it". I say the last part in a whisper.

He hugs me. "You're not going to lose me. Ever. What are the bruises from?" He asks me, even though I can tell he's terrified of the answer.

"My dad" I whisper barely enough for my own ears to hear but somehow he manages to hear it.

He doesn't make me explain further because he understands. I almost told him everything. I just can't tell him about Dave. He would think I'm disgusting and I can't admit that I was raped out loud. If I say it out loud it will become a reality. I didn't tell him that I thought I'm ugly, disgusting or fat either but that's because that's not a "problem". Don't all girls think that? Don't all girls skip meals and workout 4 hours a day?

I don't want to turn out like Darcy. She was raped right before she took her own life.

"You can stay here if you want Clare"

"No. Everyone has problems Eli. I'm not going to run away from mine. I'm going to stay home. My dad needs me" I'm not ready to tell him about my mothers affair yet.

He shakes his head in disapproval.

"Next time you feel that you need to cut, call me first?"

I don't trust my voice so I just nod.

"Promise?"

"I promise"

He sighs in relief, "I'm glad you finally told me what happened I'm here for you if you need me to talk"

"I'll talk about it. When I'm ready"

"That's all I wanted to hear"

He kisses my hair lightly and we both drift off to sleep.

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**I know that I'm moving really fast in their friendship. I'll try to slow it down. What do you think should happen in the next chapter? Leave it in the reviews. **


	13. Chapter 13

**I do not own Degrassi. **

**I'm thinking 5 or 6 chapters left for this chapter. Maybe less. I've started to get bored with this story and lacked inspiration. Anyone have ideas for a new story? **

**I apologize for waiting so long to update. I had the flu and school has been ridiculously busy.**

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**Chapter 13**

**Clare's POV**

I wake up and feel arms around me. I turn my head slightly and see Eli. He's still sleeping. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, it looks like he's dreaming about something really good. This is the second time I've woken up in Eli's arms. For some reason that makes me happy which is ridiculous since Eli probably thinks nothing of this.

Eli has a huge window, to the right side of his bed. It's a weird color outside. The clouds look like their glowing but I can't see the sun.

It's an unsettling feeling- not being able to see the sun. I release Eli's arms from me slowly, not wanting to wake him up. I get out of his bed and walk towards the window. I stare outside in wonder. The sky is making me feel a little weird; the sky feels incomplete without the sun. I know the sun's their, it's hiding behind the clouds but the clouds aren't dark and dreary. The clouds look like their glowing. It's a haunting type of beautiful.

"It's called Vanilla Twilight" I hear Eli say groggily.

I turn around and give him a questioning look.

He points to the window, I was looking out of. "It's called Vanilla Twilight. It's when you can't see the sun is and the clouds seem to glow"

"It's beautiful"

He nods in agreement.

"Are we going to school today?"

"Nope!"

I look at him in fake exasperation. "Ever since I've met you, I've skipped more school than I have in my entire life"

"Guess I'm a good influence?"

I giggle in disagreement.

"Hungry?"

"No", I lie.

He pouts "But I am"

"You can eat. I'm not stopping you"

He groans in frustration. "Fine. I can hold off for a few more minutes"

He walks back to the bed and crawls under the covers. I follow his example. We lay there silently. I think he's trying to sleep. I wouldn't mind 5 more minutes either.

"What do you think we're here for?"

"Humans?" I say dumbly.

"Yeah. I mean, why do you think we live?"

"When I was younger, I used to think God put us on Earth as a test to see if we were worthy enough to get into heaven. I imagined that he was looking down on Earth, from heaven and laughing at all the mistakes I was making on my artwork."

"And now?"

"I'm not so sure I believe in God. I mean nothing's perfect. If God is so perfect why would he make a world full of imperfections? Why would he make world that's so messed up and filled with pain. Why would he let people suffer the way that they do?"

"That's why I'm atheist" He smirks.

"Why do you think we're here?"

"My answer changes daily. Depending on my mood."

"What's your answer today?"

"To love" He says and blushes.

"Oh my God. Elijah Goldsworthy just blushed".

He buries his face in his pillow. "Shut up"

I laugh.

He groans in response.

"Are we going to school tomorrow?"

"If I feel like it"

"Eli! You've only went to school once"

"I know, I've been too busy taking care of you"

I blush and begin to feel guilty. I don't mean to take up all his time.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did"

He shoots me a "not funny" look.

"Fine. Go. Doesn't mean I'll answer it"

"Why do you cut?"

I can't answer that. It's too complicated to explain and he'll run away when he hears the answer. It's fucked up and I know it. "It's hard to explain".

He nods at me, showing he won't push it. "What happened in the creek… was that.. I mean… what were you?" He trails off and looks at me like I'll finish his question.

"I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I'm not suicidal."

"I find that hard to believe."

"My sister Darcy, she killed herself and she left everyone who loved her, broken. I would never want to do that to anybody. It's not fair."

He nods. He starts to say something but stops because my cellphone begins to ring. It's on the night table next to the bed but it's closer to him so he rolls over and grabs it for me.

I check the caller ID. It's Alli. Before I can deliberate picking up Eli plucks the phone out of my hands and answers for me.

"Hello?" He says annoyed.

I try to grab the phone from him but he leans it away from me. I can't hear what Alli is saying but Eli's rolling his eyes. I give up trying to grab the phone and instead try to listen to what Alli is screeching to him, through the phone.

"Alli, it's Eli."

After a few more seconds of Eli listening to something Alli is saying he hands the phone to me.

"I thought you weren't speaking to me" I tell her with a hint of anger evident in my voice.

"Dave and I had sex"

I freeze. Whatever angered speech I had for her, I don't say because the words out of her mouth shocked me. Dave has been on my mind every day since the rape. I can't get him out of my head. He lives in there, he left an imprint on my mind and everyday I think of it. I can barely speak but I manage to whisper "I thought you were into Drew".

I thought she was into Drew. Just a few months ago, when we used to be friends, she was into Drew. I don't get it.

"I kind of need my best friend right now and I don't think Jenna is."

"Meet me at the DOT afterschool?"

"I can't. How about at 5?"

"Sounds good, see you then" I tell her as I end the call.

Eli gives me a questioning look.

"I'm meeting Alli at the dot at 5."

"So, her and Dave?"

I nod in a way that I hope portrays that I don't care. "I guess so", I say.

"What'd she say on the phone to you, you know, when she thought it was me?" I ask him.

"She said something about sex and Johnny and Dave or something like that" He says rolling his eyes.

"Oh" I say. It's all I can manage to say. I don't know what else to say. I never even tested myself for STD's after Dave raped me. Maybe he has one. Maybe he gave it to Alli. I really need to talk to Alli, waiting till 5 is going to be impossible. I grab Eli's left wrist and look at the time. It's only 9:30.

"What's wrong?" He asks me. I don't know how many times he's asked me that. All I know is that he's asked me it a lot and it's probably because I never answer. It's hard to answer the question "What's wrong?" when nothings right.

"I'm just thinking about Alli and Dave" I shudder.

"You find sex that repulsive?" He smirks.

"I find Dave that repulsive."

"Ouch", he mocks.

I roll my eyes, even though it's not Eli I'm annoyed at. We're both still lying in his bed. Neither of us making a move to get out of it. I can't help but think of Dave. I think of all the bleach showers I took because I felt dirty, I think of all the nights I've cried myself to sleep and mostly I just think about how much of a joke my life is. My life literally fell apart in one day. One day was all it took. I found out KC cheated, my sister passed away, Dave hurt me, I lost my two best friends and my parents stopped being parents. It's a joke, it's something that would be in a comedy strip and it'd be called "watch the girl fall apart" because I did. I stopped eating. I stopped writing short stories; I stopped everything that I used to love to do. My passion for life left when my virginity did.

"Clare I know that a lot of thing's in your life right now isn't going the way you want it to and I'm sorry but you can't lose yourself" He takes a deep breath "You know, life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you have to keep moving. Clare, even if you're stumbling, you're still moving forward. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"How did you know I was thinking about something serious?"

"Your breathing changes, sometimes it sounds like you're hyperventilating, you breath faster and your face always looks frantic, like you're searching for something but you don't know what."

He's right. I am searching for something and I don't know what but I have an idea. It could be love or acceptance. Everybody who used to love me left.

I take a deep breath as an attempt to calm myself.

"You strive for perfection but you can't achieve it because perfect isn't possible."

"I don't strive for perfection"

"Right. You just strive for the image of perfection. You want everyone else to think that you're perfect and you do a pretty good job with your act too. When I first met you, I thought that everything in your life was flawless and perfect. Now I know better but Clare just because your life isn't perfect doesn't mean you are. In my mind, you are perfect."

I almost laugh in his face but I don't because he actually looks _sincere?_ "Trust me Eli, I'm far from it".

Eli reaches over to the night table and grabs his I-phone off the table. He beckons for me to come closer to him. I slide over so we're almost touching. He goes to the pictures section of his phone and opens up a quote and starts to read. "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back." He looks up at me. "My therapist told me that. She told me that I have to live in the moment and not in the past and Clare I think you need to live in the moment too."

I want to disagree. I want to tell him I'm fine but I can't do that because I know he's right. I'm living in the past and it's dangerous and it's not helping me in any way at all.

"How do I stop living in the past and focus on the present?" I look down at my hands.

He doesn't say anything. Instead he lifts my chin and brings my lips to his.

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**Review?**


	14. Chapter 14

I'm going to take a bit of a break from this story. I lost inspiration on it. If anyone has suggestions please let me know and I might continue the story.

I am going to start a new story so if anyone has suggestions for a new story idea, please let me know :)

Thank you for everyone who followed and read my story.

Please leave suggestions for either another chapter or another story in the reviews. :)


	15. Chapter 15

Hey! So I have exams going on until around January 14th. When they're done I will continue writing this story. If anyone has suggestions, please leave them in the reviews. I will use everyone's suggestions(as long as they're realistic).

Thanks for being patient,

perfectlybroken.


	16. Chapter 16

**I do not own Degrassi. Sorry that I haven't updated lately.**

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**Chapter 16**

**Clare POV**

"Hi" she says, as I approach her. She's looking at her feet, as if her shoes are the most important things in the world.

"Hi" I repeat her. I wait for her to say more.

"I don't really want to go in. Can we just sit in my car?" She asks me, still staring at her shoes.

"Fine" I say coldly.

We're standing at the door of the DOT. Alli looks like she spent the last 5 hours crying but that doesn't always mean something's wrong, she tends to be overdramatic. We slowly walk to her car. It's not a very far walk, she parked across the street from the DOT. I look at the sky, still feeling giddy that I kissed Eli. It wasn't a very long kiss, it only lasted a few seconds. I open the passenger door of Alli's car and climb in. Eli dropped me off at the DOT, five minutes ago. I wish he could've stayed.

We spent the whole afternoon talking. He told me I could move in with him, if I want to but we haven't known each other for very long and I told him, that moving in together isn't a smart idea. He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend or anything but Eli isn't the type to do that.

"I don't know what to say" Alli says quietly.

"I think you were going to talk to me about Dave?"

She clears her throat "Right. But not just about him. I'm also sorry. I've missed you as a friend. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own world. I don't think about anyone else. And last night, I realized something and now I know that I really messed things up between us."

By now I'm burning with curiosity and I'm not mad at Alli anymore, so there's no point to see her suffering. "Alli I forgive you, it's fine. What happened?"

She clears her throat. "Last night, Jenna had a party and she invited Dave. Well, she invited everybody in the grade-" She stops mid sentence and pauses awkwardly when she realizes that I wasn't invited but she tries to cover up her mistake by talking. "Anyway, Dave and I drove together, he picked me up to go to Jenna's. Jenna got her brother to get a keg. Anyway, that's not the point. What I mean to say is that Dave got really drunk. Dave was being really sweet to me, until the alcohol kicked in. Basically, an hour into the party, we had sex. He wasn't that drunk when we did it. After we did it, he did a few keg stands and two hours later we ended up in a bedroom together. And Dave told me… what he did to you. On the day that your sister died. He didn't know what he was saying, he was drunk and I just want to know from you. Did he?"

"Yeah."

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**So I'm really lost on what to do now so suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks:)  
**


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